I am Woman, Hear me Scream.

Fewer than 15 percent of pregnant women experience a rupture of the membranes (your water breaking) before labor begins, and even if your water does break in public it's less likely to come as a torrential tidal wave than as a slow leak, a trickle, or a small gush.- What to Expect.com

I figured I would start this story with that delightful little statistic. Fewer than 15% of women have their water break before labor. Even less than 15% experience it gushing out of them. Of course, when I say gushing what I mean is, "pouring out as though a bucket was dumped over your head". Not that my head was getting poured on, but I did have that shocked "What the heck" moment that every person experiences when being unexpectedly drenched.  Anyway, back to these stats. Most women experience a trickle, not a gush, and yet having experienced a gush, I still thought maybe I'd just peed on myself. Yep, this story starts with thinking I peed, and ends with a baby.

It was Thursday night, and I had gone through a fairly normal day. Cleaned the house pretty well, got to hang out with my girls, and even go grocery shopping by myself. Now if I had known that walking through Walmart was going to be the last time I would be "by myself" for, well, who knows how long, I probably would have slowed the pace and not rushed so much. Hindsight really is 20/20 I suppose. Having gotten everything on my list, I headed home, unloaded groceries and relaxed with Husband for about an hour before laying down in bed. I laid down at 10:30 pm, watched How I Met Your Mother (love!) on the laptop, and drifted to sleep at about 11:30. Husband had come to bed at 11, and had fallen asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. So in other words, it was a normal night. 

Until 12:05 a.m.

12:05 a.m. is ingrained in my head. I woke up to a trickle of warmth, and stood up thinking I "dear God, I'm going to pee on myself again!" and rushed off to the bathroom. Mid rush came the gush... I was suddenly soaked and had no control over it. Without even thinking, the words just slipped out of my mouth "What the f*&#?" I stared down at my legs wondering how I couldn't even stop myself from peeing. I was mortified. Then I was confused. It didn't FEEL like I had actually just peed. But surely my water hadn't broken, because that just DOESN'T happen like that. That stuff only happens in the movies. Women don't just stare at the floor in disbelief and realize that they are about to have a baby. So I did what everything I've read says you should do. I cleaned up, threw on new clothes, put on a pad and laid back down. By this time it was almost 1 a.m. and nothing else was happening. Yes, I had peed on myself for sure, because if not it would still be leaking. I even called Labor and Delivery at 1:20, and talked and laughed with the nurse that I didn't want to come in for a little bit of pee (ok, so It wasn't a LITTLE BIT, but seriously I was dazed.). I did not want to embarrass myself with another false alarm.

So I laid back down. I did what the nurse said and frequently changed positions to make sure nothing was leaking out. Then I had a contraction. 8 minutes and 43 seconds later (yes I tracked it) I had another one. So here I am at approximately 1:35 in the morning having contractions, and yet still believing that because I wasn't leaking any more that my water couldn't have possibly broken.

Now it was ten minutes later that I realized things were starting to get real. My contractions went from 8-10 minutes apart (all three of them!) to 3 minutes apart and not stopping. So I did the only thing I could think of through the pain. I hit my husband awake and told him I hated him. Ten minutes after that I couldn't even move because the pain was so excruciating  I was screaming. Howling. I was possessed by an animal-like devil that couldn't be controlled. Husband was on the phone with some friend of ours asking if they could please rush over here to sit with the girls, we Had To Go. 

Of course, what happens next? Monster1 wakes up (probably thinking there was something terrifying in our house) and sees me bent over my bed screaming. My eyes may or may not have been rolling back into my head making it that much more horrifying to my sweet 4 year old. "Why are you whining like that Mommy? You need to stop, I don't like it." Needless to say Husband made it worse by saying "I've got to take Mommy to the hospital so the doctor can get brother out, that's why Mommy is hurting" So now all Monster is thinking is "Brother is hurting Mommy, and sick people go to the hospital, Mommy must be sick or hurt" which led to her bursting into tears right along with me. 

Now I don't know how many of you have ever given birth. I can honestly say until that night, I did not fully understand what is entailed with the tiny humans coming into the world. As Husband raced to the hospital I was clawing at the air, the windows, my clothes, Husband's arm, anything I could get a hold of. I was kicking my feet against the floor, pounding my hands against the roof of the car, desperate for any relief. All I wanted was to be out of my body, to scream (which I was) and cry (which I couldn't) and breathe (difficult through the screaming). I begged Husband to pull the car over and just let me out. Obviously he didn't, and in that moment I could have killed him for it. 

We just barely made it to the hospital in time. We made it there at about 3, and got to the delivery room at about 3:15. Now, there's a process involved with having a baby that involves machines and I.V.s and changing into the hospital issued gown. Well, I got into the gown fairly quickly, since as soon as we made it in the room I started ripping my clothes off. The nurses (and my husband) were in shock as I threw the clothes to the floor and continued howling. By the time I got in the bed there was nothing left I could do. This baby was coming out and he was coming out right then. I screamed profanities, screamed that I had to push, screamed as I started to push and screamed as I stopped pushing. And that was just for the first one. The nurses told me they could only advise me to wait for the doctor, but to do what I had to do. Push number two I screamed at them to put him back because it hurt, I couldn't do it, and I wanted him back in. Push number three came as they chuckled and said they don't put babies back in they only pull them out. And there he was. The nurse caught my son as he was (in Husband's words) launched into the world. Mid scream I stopped and just stared in shock. I had just had a baby in less than ten minutes, and only 3 pushes.

Husband stood beside me and just stared at me in disbelief. All he said was "Oh My God" and then was asked to cut the cord. I'm surprised he was even able to, to be honest.

The rest of what happened was blurry and in my shell shocked state, I'm not sure I even realized what was going on as they scooped him up, cleaned him off and held him up for me to see. I didn't notice when they took him to the nursery, and Husband was gone with them. I didn't notice the state of wreckage I was in as I watched the nurses walking around cleaning things up and prepping me for the doctor's arrival. Because the doctor got the easy part. He just arrived to stitch me up and send me on my way. 

I did however snap back to reality with enough mindset to apologize to every person in the room. For the screaming, the thrashing, that they had to catch my baby, that I couldn't wait for the doctor, for the mess, the impossible condition in which they had had to place my I.V., for everything. They just laughed. Apparently it's ok to do these things when your body has been taken over by an "all natural, do what you gotta do, Woman."  I was told that I was tough, I was told that I was amazing. I was told to sit still while I got stitched up, and then I was told again that I was impressive. 

So my birth story consists of only 3.5 hours, start to finish, with a dramatic (though confusing) beginning, and an even more dramatic ending, resulting in a perfect, beautiful baby boy. I finally had all the aspects of delivery that I had ever dreamed of. My water broke all on its own, I had zero medication, and despite the excruciating, body wrenching pain that FELT unending, it was an extremely short process. 

I suppose I shouldn't have been so adamant about how I wanted things to happen. Like I said before, if you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans. Well, I told Him what I wanted, and He certainly delivered, with a touch of flair thrown in to keep it interesting.

Tell God your plans.

Ok, so in the past few days I've eagerly been awaiting the spontaneous surprise of going into labor. I'm ready to meet my little man. But last night Husband and I went out with the Monsters, and we just got to hang out as a family of four, knowing it could potentially be the last time that happens. I had a crazy revelation about how dramatically things are going to change soon. Not that I haven't thought about it before, but even small details struck me as "Whoa, this could be IT." The more I thought about it, the more I came to a realization that I'm just not ready for Monster3 to show up right this second. I mean, I still have stuff to do. So I came up with the "ideal" plan for his arrival. I decided to tell God my plans.

 

The way I see it, I have errands to run, bills to pay, and groceries to buy tomorrow (because it's payday). Friday, Husband has to work his second job. Saturday is our 5 year wedding anniversary (for which some awesome friends of ours have volunteered to take the girls!!) and possibly the LAST CHANCE we have for a long time to go out just the two of us. Which is something we haven't done in...at least 6 months. So I figure, best not try to go into labor before then, so that we have the chance to take care of all this stuff. BUT, if Little Man were to come on Sunday, then I'd be discharged from the hospital before Halloween, which means Mommy would be home to get the Monsters ready. Not to mention Husband wouldn't have to work his second job until "potentially" next Friday, meaning he wouldn't have to technically miss any work there, while still be able to stay home using his vacation time for two weeks from his first job. So not only will we not miss out on any extra money, but by the time he has to work his side job, my mom will be here and have like...six straight days where she could stay with us. So really, Sunday is the BEST day for Little Man to make his appearance. It's two days before my due date, and the absolute perfect time.

 

But you know what they say. If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans. ;)

 

When I told Husband all this, he actually asked me if I'm trying to use reverse psychology on our son. Perhaps I am tempting fate, but genuinely I want to make it Sunday. Just four more days. I think I can do it, don't you?

 

Plus, since Husband and I are going to see the movie Pitch Perfect on Saturday, I'm hoping I can just laugh myself into labor, as I've heard this movie is hilarious.

Yup, I've got it all figured out.

And should it not work that way, I'll get to plan his arrival at my appointment on Tuesday. The End Is In Sight.

Eviction Notice

There is an end in sight ladies and gents. This time next week, if I am still pregnant, I will at least have an eviction notice for Little Man. He is stubbornly staying in place so far, and I am more than a little fed up with it. However, knowing that the end is finally in sight is actually quite a relief. Of course I should mention that my doctor is cruel enough to let me go ten days past my due date should I not go into labor on my own before then. Meaning I could potentially have 17 days left. 17 DAYS! That is barely anything, but also at this point feels like forever. Not that I think I'm going to go that far.

I have two reasons for thinking like this. 1) I've never made it to a due date before (thank goodness) and 2) I will be having an ultrasound to see how big he is, and I'm pretty sure that he is bigger than the girls were, meaning I will probably not be allowed to go too much further. Now this is just speculation on my part, and of course, I'm no doctor. But, a girl can dream, right?

I can honestly say that now that the end is here, it kind of seem surreal. The false alarm I had a few days ago really drove it home for me. Being in that hospital room looking at all the stuff they keep waiting for the new little lives. The giant warmer, with little hats and blankets stored on/in it. It took me back to three years ago when I was waiting for my sweet baby girl to arrive. Monster 1 was with her grandparents for a sleepover and I just knew somehow, that the next time I saw her she'd be a big sister.

Looking at my girls today, I made sure to take a minute to hug them both, hold them tight, and snuggle with them while it was still just the four of us. Because for all I know this was the last full day that all four of us would spend together just hanging out at home and relaxing. We played outside, went for a walk, splurged on pizza, and just, were. For as crazy as my past few days have been emotionally, I was glad for this day. Even the parts where I was just sitting there bored and irritated. This could have been one of my last chances to be bored for awhile!

Not to mention there as a particularly sweet moment when Husband and Monster1 sat talking to Brother telling him it was OK to come out now. I'm telling you, he responded to their voices. It was the sweetest thing. Later, when we were out walking, Monster2 randomly said "Mommy get Brother out!" as though she just decided that now she was ready for Brother to be here. It was actually the first time she has even acknowledged that she is going to have a Brother. Sure, she talks about there is a baby in my belly, but this time she actually talked about him being here, with us. It was amazing.

 

So I've given him an eviction notice.

 Little Man, it's time to come out. Time to join us out here where we can snuggle with you too! I'd much rather be carrying you in my arms instead of in my belly. I'm ready to see you with your Daddy, and with your Sisters. We're ready when you are. Let's get this show on the road already!

Who needs t.v.?

Who needs t.v. when you have kids? I mean other than to entertain them. I can honestly say some days I get more enjoyment over watching my girls play together than I do from watching the latest episode of my favorite shows. They can taken even the most MUNDANE activities and make them something interesting.

Time to clean the kitchen? Oh, well let them show you how to pretend to be Cinderella as they sweep the floors.

Talking on the phone for a daily chat? Let Monster 1 entertain you with the conversations she has with BARBIE! Cause her and Barbie are tight.

You have some princess figurines that you need arranged? Oh, well here, let them demonstrate how to make the princesses talk to each other about who can and cannot come into the castle. No really, Monster 2 can make the princesses argue about who gets to go through the castle door for at least fifteen minutes before they move on to another topic. And she doesn't get bored doing it.

Feel like getting mad for no reason? Let's observe how Monster 1 can come up with imaginary reasons why people have made her mad. You were talking to her? You made her mad. Imaginary daddy talking to her on her imaginary phone about...well I'm not sure, cause she never said. But, he made her mad.

Need a new coloring page to decorate your refrigerator? Well, Monster 1 can show you how to use Every Single Crayon and Colored Pencil for one picture. It's a talent of hers.

Want to see the new version of Sleeping Beauty? Well I didn't either until I was watching my daughters perform it. Monster 2 didn't even care that she was Prince Charming! They did, however, dance around the living room together in almost perfect unison for about an hour pretending they were Aurora and Prince Philip.

Need some tips on being a mommy? Well my Monsters have it down to an art. They get to love their babies, dress their babies, and then leave their babies laying on the floor while they run off to eat lunch.

Did you know that kitchen chairs make the best trains? Line 'em up and there they go. Off to their various family members' houses to visit. Because it's more fun to visit when you're just pretending. Hey wait...maybe they are on to something! 

Even cooking is more entertaining with my girls. Either because they can't resist helping, or because it's an Olympic sport dancing around the two of them while they fight over who gets to stand closest to Mommy next to the stove. Which is on. A stove that generally has every burner occupied. Meaning it's hot. Next to tiny flailing arms. Yeah, it's actually a miracle that neither of them have ever burnt themselves or pushed the other straight into the boiling water.

Need a makeover? Well no one does hair and make up quite as good as Monster 1 and 2. All it takes is a plastic brush and some imaginary eyeshadow, and you are BEEE-yootiful. Of course, to them, Mommy is always beautiful. Just one more reason to delight in them. 

Now that I sit and think about all this, I'm wondering what I was thinking that it'd be fun to start over from the beginning. With a newborn. Who won't do much. Huh. Perhaps I'm not as bored as I thought. Guess I'm ok with letting Little Man cook for just a little while longer, while I kick back and enjoy my daughters for the little time I have left. While I can still just scream out "Giiiiirls? What's going on???" instead of "Kiiiiids....."

Better to just enjoy this crazy little life of having two Monsters while I still can. Because before long, I'll be diving into the world of splitting things equally between the Girls and the Boy. Not sure how that's going to work. After all, my girls are Divas. Just like their mama.

I'm just not satisfied...Or maybe I'm just bored.

It seems like the design of my blog has changed about...oh fifty plus times, this week ALONE. Why is that? Because I am bored out of my mother-loving mind. My girls spend quite a bit of time partaking in activities that require only three things. The two of them and their imaginations. Maybe that's actually four things, but to me, I know that basically it's just the two of them kicking back in their newly structured blanket-and-couch-pillow forts, a few toys, and wait...what's that? Not Mommy. They don't need me for entertainment anymore. They have each other and some baby dolls to keep them occupied. 

Which means my life of a stay at home mom consists of, well, not much. My house has stayed moderately maintained in the past couple of months, which means I don't even have much that needs to be "cleaned" other than the general pick up that takes (even in my elephant size state) a mere fifteen minutes. So what do I do with the rest of my time? 

Well, I recently discovered the show How I Met Your Mother. 

And there's always Pinterest.

Facebook stalking. That takes like, at least thirty minutes.

Actually Facebook bores the living piss out of me these days.

I pace around my kitchen a lot. Sometimes because I am walking back and forth staring into my cabinets, and sometimes just because well, the floor creaks in the living room when I walk. 

So surely you can understand why I have changed my blog design/layout/appearance half a dozen times in the last three days. I am bored. I have nothing to do. I don't feel crafty these days so I don't really feel like crocheting. Which is a bummer since it's finally cold enough outside to actually need the things I tend to crochet (hats, scarves, etc.). If I pick a book to read, I'm reminded how boring it is to read the same books over and over and over again, but I'm too lazy to go to the library.

Basically I'm not satisfied with doing anything at home, but I don't want to venture out into the world. Sometimes I find myself wishing I'd go into labor just for the excitement of breaking up the mundane day to day Blah that I currently endure. I find myself desperate for this tiny human to be here because, hey, he can't get his own snacks. He will NEED me. 

It's quite sad actually, when your reasons for wanting to give birth consist of mostly just curing your boredom. But that's the point I'm at friends. Because not much is going on these days in this crazy little life.

I thought about sitting down and blogging yesterday, and instead spent most of the day lounging around angrily. My girls were entertaining themselves so well that they really didn't need me to do much with them except make breakfast, lunch, and dinner. So I kind of walked around in a haze acting like I had something to do when really all I had was sitting in front of the computer staring at Pinterest or reading a book I have read a hundred times before. Actually, I should also add that a good portion of my day was spent crying over a hospital policy I don't agree with. :(

Today I've been feeling...Heavy. It sounds weird to say that. However, that's the only word I can think of to describe it. My tummy feels heavy today, and the rest of my body is protesting the whole "getting up and walking" thing. I wish I could tell how big Little Man is in there, because some days it's like he's hiding and must be tiny and minuscule, and then other times it's like "BAM. All Baby".

I am definitely glad to be so close to the end. I have a week and a half til my due date. Sounds weird to say that, but it's true. I am pretty sure that two weeks from now I will have a baby here in my home. It's going to be odd adjusting to having three Monsters. 

For as lazy as I was yesterday, I did spend quite a few moments enjoying my daughters and how...grown they are. Watching them play together is sometimes my only source of entertainment. They really do have active imaginations and I'm so jealous of their age. They get to be other people, live in castles and fly to the moon just about every day. They build forts out of couch cushions and play "house" under the kitchen table. Their stuffed bears are their "babies" and they get to have the easy mommy life that consists of just brushing their baby's hair. Ah to be young and have such an active imagination. 

Today I'm on baby watch for one of the girls on my Mommy Board. It's so exciting when one of "our own" has a baby. But I will admit, it's hard being one of the ones due at the end of the month. Seeing all the squishy cheeks and knowing I have to keep on waiting is excruciating. But really, when I think about this group of women that I don't know but interact with every day, well, it's actually kind of heart warming. It's so nice to have someone else to talk to who is going through the exact same thing. Not someone who is three months ahead of you and thinks they know more about your body than you do, but someone who is physically still suffering from pregnant hormones, labor pains, and heartburn. I don't know what I would do without this board of strangers that I've grown so close to. 

Alas, I think I'm going to go do some more Pinterest-ing. 

List it! Things I Never Thought I'd Say.

1. Do not sit on your sister's head.

2. We are not watching Barbie at bedtime, it's too scary.

3. Please do not lick your shoes, that's disgusting.

4. Quit pulling your daddy's hair to wake him up.

5. Sing quieter, people on Mars can hear you. 

6. No I don't know how the people on Mars got there.

7. Girls, did I put my keys in the refrigerator?

8. Girls you cannot eat your toes, That Is Gross and it's not funny!

9. Why is your stuffed animal hanging by his neck from the door?

10. Please don't lick the dog. Or the cat. I don't care if you're giving kisses.

11. The cat is not a baby doll, quit trying to dress him up.

12. Did you just download a new game to my phone?!?!

13. Markers are not makeup, do not color your sister's face ever again.

14. Don't eat the bath bubbles

15.You can't make deals with me, I'm the Mommy.

16. That's a Mommy Word, even in a song. Don't say it.

17. Somebody jump on Daddy it's time to get up.

18. Come on girls, let's see if we can dance brother out of Mommy's belly!

19. What Auntie? You DON'T want to stand in the cold rain outside of Toys R Us on Black Friday? It'll be FUN!

20. Quit licking your snot. Get a tissue. No, a TISSUE, not your sleeve!

21. You have to start wiping your OWN butt, I can't follow you to school just because you don't like to wipe poop.

22.This isn't toddlers gone wild, put your dresses DOWN.

23 No Mommy doesn't need help getting dressed, so quit lifting my shirt up.

24. I don't know when you will get bo bos like mommy. When you're older. (For those of you who don't know, bo bos are "boobs" because I despise the words boobs and boobies.)

25. No seriously girls, you can't talk about bo bos when we're in Walmart. 

 Feel free to add your own in the comment section!

14 days? Say what?

Yep, we've officially reached the "less than half a month to go" mark. I have never made it completely to my due date as both my girls came in the couple days beforehand. So I'm thinking that while I have 14 days until my due date, I probably have no more than 12 days before I go into labor. Just a theory.

Although, I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, where Dr. informed me that I am dilated to 1 cm. That never happened with the girls, so perhaps it will be sooner than I think. 

It was an incredibly long and hard weekend in our household. I have been a very VERY exhausted Monster Mama, and poor Husband suffered the brunt end of a lot of that. At my appointment I decided to ask if there was ANYTHING I could take to help myself sleep. Unfortunately there isn't anything that Dr. felt comfortable with me taking. So, alas, I will be continuing to attempt the near impossible, Med-Free. But, on the bright side he did give me a pep talk that made me want to cry and scream in the moment, but actually makes sense in the light of a new (and well rested) day. He told me that 1. I'm not going to sleep. Right now sleep is going to go something like this: Try tying a cat to your stomach, and then try to sleep with it there knowing the cat is not going to cooperate through the process. It's impossible to sleep with a cat tied to you. And 2. This is a good thing. Because my body is adjusting to having little to no sleep, and will be better able to function under these circumstances when I have two toddlers AND a newborn. God is preparing me in the best way he sees fit. 

Of course, you know what that means? Monster Man will probably be the baby that has Colic. If this is preparation, well then...I'm in for one helluva ride, because I didn't have this problem with my girls. Little Man will be keeping me on my toes for sure.

Anyway, so in the past couple of days dealing with random contractions that refuse to progress, Husband and I have done a lot of talking about how we are just Ready To Be Done. We've done the pregnancy bit twice before, and we know the end result. We're ready to just be there for crying out loud. I will say that yes, I am ready for Monster 3 to arrive, but as I was sitting here (in my sleep deprived and half delusional state) yesterday, I realized. There is about to be a BABY in this house. A baby. Not a toddler. Not a walking talking "Let me pick my own cereal" child. A Baby. Do you know how long it has been since I've even HELD a baby? A tiny squalling and completely dependent NEWBORN? Well, let's see, Monster 2 is.... 2.75 years old? Yeah, so that long. Almost 3 years since I have held a newborn. Monster 2 is the youngest of the grandchildren, so I haven't even held any small babies that belong to anyone else. I am, in fact, worried that I won't do it right. I am not even sure I remember HOW to breastfeed anymore. Or change a little bitty diaper for that matter. Monster 2 isn't potty trained yet, but she only needs like, two diapers a day? And she helps out when we change her. Lifting the butt up and what not. Babies do not help. 

Man oh man, what have I gotten myself into??

I guess we'll find out soon enough, won't we?

I have hit That Point.

Friends, I am there. I am at the miserable end of this pregnancy. I am at the point where every day something new hurts, and the hurt from the day before doesn't go away.

The other night I had to endure a lot of needless contractions. Why do I say needless? Because they didn't go anywhere. I was up all night in pain, timing, and calculating. I was thirty minutes away from calling my husband to come home from work. I laid down to try to get SOME inkling of sleep, and I'll be damned if they didn't just stop. Not only did they stop cold turkey, the stupid contractions left me with some intense back pain, and left over crampy feelings. 

You might say, "But this is a good thing! That means it's close to becoming the real thing!"

Yeah, it's probably close. But having never had contractions just stop on me before it is disappointing. With Monsters 1&2 when those specific pains started, they didn't stop and the next day I had a baby. So you can understand, I'm sure, my hopes being dashed. I thought I was going to have a Little Man in my arms soon, and now? Nothing. Empty arms, and no new signs of anything going on in this sad pathetic body of mine. However, with a sense of accomplishment, I was able to get a bag packed for the hospital, and laundry done to get things ready for the girls. 

Today I have encountered a burst of energy. I am hobbling around wanting to conquer the world. I will be scrubbing floors and counters, pumping out blog posts, and even having my niece and nephew over to play with the Monsters. I'm in a strangely good mood, my kids are behaving, and I am ready to get stuff done. Currently I'm indulging in the joys of chips and salsa, which is already giving me heartburn, yet I can't bring myself to care.

Calm before the storm? Who knows. I've hit That Point of let's just do this already. Let's have a baby. Let's bring Little Man home. Will I regret this burst tomorrow? Most assuredly. Unless of course, I'm having a baby...

I'm not the only eager one. My daughter and I had this conversation this morning:

Monster1: Mommy when is brother going to be here? Its taking forever!

Me: I know, but he'll come when he's ready. Trust me I want him here too.

Monster1: I think he is ready and you need to tell your doctor to get him out. I want to hold him

Me: Trust me baby girl, I wish it worked like that.

Monster1: Ugh, this is not fair. I want to see what Brother's hair looks like!

She desperately wants to know what Brother's hair is going to look like. It's cute actually. Mostly because I know both of the girls were born with zero hair. Bald as can be. But, I have had crappy heartburn, so perhaps brother will be different.

My family is now playing the waiting game. Everyone is on call. Everyone is eager. We're ready. 

Now we just need Little Man to get here, joining us in this crazy little life. 

I'm not going to lie, this post is an angry one.

At the moment I am so flustered that I'm having a hard time getting my thoughts to come out right. In fact I've started and re-started this post three times now.

As many of you know, I take part in a private Mommy Board online and frequently will mention it in passing. Today, a thread was started containing a handful of new articles pertaining to some outrageous stuff. A tattooed child, a 13 year old being charged with murder, and a mother who abused her daughter by super gluing her hands to a wall and beating her after she had a potty accident.

I had to leave the thread. I couldn't even get caught up in reading any more articles or I was going to explode.

Now, I'm a young mom. My husband and I started our family at young ages, and for the most part I'm grateful for that. I was 18 when we got married, he was 21. Our oldest daughter was born that year. So all in all, life smacked us in the face. A trend I've noticed is that younger parents tend to be more susceptible to immaturity when it comes to handling their children. For sure, I believe this is because they themselves are so young and haven't developed the mental capacity to control their emotions. Heck, at 18 I was still a child myself. That being said, I am learning every single day ways to adapt and evolve our lifestyle so that Husband and I are the kind of parents and people we would want our children to be.

So perhaps it's because I'm so young and because I don't have as many years under my belt with child rearing, but I tend to find myself in a very confused and overwhelmed state when it comes to discipline. I'm not against spanking. Never have been, probably never will be. I was spanked as a child and I'm no worse off for it. At least not that I know of.
I find myself wondering how to tell. How do we know what way is the right way? I mean, generations of people before myself were spanked, weren't they? Would my grandparents have hesitated to put their children in their place? Would they have feared that their children would grow up to shoot them with a loaded gun (heck these days you don't even have to grow up for this to be the case)? Now don't get me wrong, I believe that our grandparents still dealt with (to an extent) the issues of having a mouthy teenager. Or an insolent two year old. Heck, I'm sure they dealt with the same exact adolescent behaviors that we as parents deal with now. But no one was walking around telling them they would be arrested if they spanked their child. No one was telling them that their methods of discipline were wrong. So how do we know if it was actually right?
On the flip side, how do we know that there aren't lasting effects, and that the reason there is so much more abuse against children now isn't because of the confines generations before us were raised in?

I am seriously scared for the way the world is changing. I do believe that it's not so much that the crimes have increased, it's that the crimes have been exposed, however, that doesn't stop me from wondering why it is so common to hear of children committing adult crimes, and of adults committing crimes against children. All of it makes me sick to my stomach and causes me to almost question everything I do as a parent. How do I know that what I'm doing is right? How do I tell if my "effective" methods aren't actually setting my kids up for failure as adults?
And am I suddenly going to start exhibiting traits of mental and emotional instability because of the way I was disciplined? Am I quick to anger because I was spanked, or because I am young and my hormones are still unbalanced?

Does every parent feel this way?? Does every parent wonder if they are doing it right? Does every parent fear that someone is going to snatch their children up if they make a mistake? Why does this world suck so much and who is right about how to handle these rising trends of misbehaved children and out of control parenting?
I'm at a loss readers. I don't know what is right, and I don't know what is wrong. I wonder to myself if the child who grabbed a gun at 13 and shot his grandparents was lacking discipline, or had too much. I am wondering if the mother who beat her two year old was at her wits end and lost control, or if she too could have been a victim growing up.
As for the tattooing, hell, I don't know what to think about that. Clearly someone believed that mother wasn't capable of deciding what was o.k. for her child and what wasn't. And clearly that mother believed her child had developed the mindset to understand the permanence of a tattoo, which in my opinion is ridiculous. But does that mean her rights as a parent to decide should be stripped from her?
Next thing I know, people will be arrested for something as everyday as piercing their daughter's ears as a baby, without her consent. That however, is a whole other playing field. Perhaps my follow up will be "Are we as parents giving our children too much room in the decision making process?"

For now I'm going to just sit and stew. I'm going to reflect on how to "Properly Raise A Child". I will research all the different methods, and perhaps the ones I scoffed at are worth a shot. I mean, I wouldn't want to make my kids unstable would I? I wouldn't want to contribute to anger issues and emotional trauma.
And of course I wouldn't want to be that mom who has lost all control. This is a conundrum friends, a real conundrum. Feel free to let me know what you think. I'm curious about all the different methods out there and if you all are figuring out things that work!

Some days.

You know the days where you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, so mad you could cry? I'm having one of those days. I am mad at everything and everyone. Starting with Husband who took for freaking ever to turn off his alarm this morning. I'm mad at Monster 1 for not sleeping through the ridiculous noise.

I'm mad at myself for being mad at her, because obviously she can't control the conundrum that keeps happening every stupid stinking morning. I'm mad that just as she was snoozy on the couch watching cartoons and I fell back asleep, I woke up again, this time because I had to pee. Story of my stupid stinking life. As if the alarm wasn't bad enough, my bladder also keeps me up for most of the night. I don't care who the hell says "Get your sleep before baby", they are stupid and irrelevant and freaking WRONG. Or they've never been pregnant and are oblivious to the fact that when it takes five whole minutes to roll over in bed, you're not sleeping, you're just in pain.

I hate people today and I feel like no one should cross my path. Which is unfortunate for my Monsters who have no where else to go to escape their Evil Mama.

I more than a little irritated that I just found a ginormous spider walking along my ceiling, threatening to fall at any moment. Our heads are not safe, and now I have to chase him down and kill him. Ew.

I am mad that my cat, a.k.a Satan Incarnate, shredded what was left of a tiny roll of toilet paper, making little paper shreds all over the one area rug I have in my house. Couldn't make it easy and do it somewhere I'd be able to sweep it up?

I'm mad that my coffee tastes like shit because Husband used the last of the coffee creamer and forgot to go to the store.

I'm mad that I'm still drinking said coffee because otherwise, I might go on a murderous rampage.

I'm hella pissed that my cereal is now soggy after the spider chasing debacle of 2012. (No seriously, I took a break right before this line to track it down. It almost fell on me, didn't die, blended in with the hardwood floor, started climbing up the broom I was holding, and then still didn't die as I basically broke my broom beating it against the floor....Maybe the spider is Satan?)

I'm mad that now I probably have to buy a new broom. 

I don't want to deal with anyone, but I'm mad that everyone is working or enjoying their Saturday meaning I have no one to complain to about how mad I am.

I am beyond exhausted with feeling like every time I turn around I'm doing things by myself. I understand, and respect, and appreciate that Husband works like he does to make ends meet and allow for some breathing room. But goodness gracious, great balls of fire, sometimes I just want to be able to say "Yeah, I got to take a nap, and relax and spend time with hubby for a change"  

Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish someone else would take my kids and clean up after them and entertain them, and keep them from going stir crazy. 

Sometimes I want to just be an onlooker for my life instead of an active participant because then maybe just maybe I'd be able to sleep.

Of course, who knows, because that damn alarm would still exist.

I'm also mildly pissy over the fact that my children want for nothing, have oodles and poodles worth of toys and barbies and movies to entertain them in their room. Why does that make me pissy?? BECAUSE THEY WON'T PLAY IN THERE! 

I hate the t.v. It is officially my worst enemy. The computer can join the t.v. in my hate-fest too. Because these stupid fracking electronics keep my children from wanting to play. Oh sure, they will play Barbies WHILE they watch t.v. They will laugh and giggle together in front of a computer game. But for the love of all things holy I cannot get them to want to just hang out in their room together and play pretend. They want to drag all the Barbies out to the living room! It's a viscous, endless cycle and I just don't want to deal with it today.

I'm mad that my daughter just decided to inform me that the jewelry box I gave her is now "Broked". 

I'm mad that I'm about to use super glue to put the drawer of the jewelry box back together. I hate super glue.

Now, my coffee is cold, my head is fuzzy from lack of sleep, and oh, did I mention Monster 2 has a runny nose for the third day in a row? The joys of being a mommy, right?

*Sigh* Alas, I love the crazy little life. Even when I'm mad as hell.

Six years ago today

Six years ago today my niece was born.

Now, six years ago she wasn't my niece yet. But I remember that day I was first "introduced" to her. Because six years and one month ago I met my husband. Back when we were just co-workers and both in steady relationships. Back when he was just the "new guy". 

Anyway, so I remember the day my niece was born. We were both working that night, and struck up a mild conversation about his crazy soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend. I remember the look on his face when he got the text message. She had arrived, and there on a tiny little cell phone screen we looked at her for the first time. Completely unbeknownst to me, I was staring at a little girl who would forever mark my "memory lane". 

5 years ago at her first birthday was when I found out I was pregnant with my oldest. I remember sitting on the hill picking at my cake with Husband's sisters, telling them all about the crazy symptoms that I just couldn't understand. Throwing up, and fatigue, followed by the dizzy I-might-pass-out-right-here feeling that I was suffering from each morning for a week now. They looked at each other and proclaimed "You're pregnant".

Three weeks later, this sweet baby girl was walking down the aisle hand in hand with my now oldest niece as the flower girls in my wedding. 

Over the years I've watched her become a big sister, give up her paci, introduce Monster 1 to Barbie dolls, start school, learn to write her full name, and develop not only a unique personality, but also the girliest of taste in fashion. She has held a special place in my life, not only as the "first" of my nieces/nephews that I witnessed join into the world but also as a marker of time. The older she gets the more I look back on how much time has passed since my world changed.

When I remember this day six years ago, I don't just think about how my niece was born. I think about the look on Husband's face that day. I've seen that look not just then, but also five times since then. The proud look on his face as he showed off that little girl. That's when I knew he was different from other guys. Because I saw him with that look when our daughters were born. It's expected of every new daddy. To see him have that look for his niece and nephews though, meant that he not only loved his family, but that he was the kind of guy you want to keep around. The ones who show that kind of devotion are the ones who stick around forever. I'm excited that I'll get to see that look one more time when he's showing off our son right around the same time I'll be celebrating five years years married to the best guy ever.

So, Happy birthday to my niece and Happy I-Knew-It Anniversary to me. :)

Inducing Labor-The OWT Way. (Potentially TMI if you aren't a chickadee)

For those of you who live under a rock, you may never have heard of all the crazy Old Wive's Tales that are frequently associated with being pregnant. According to a lot of these, I'm having a boy (wait a minute...) but according to at least 50% of them, I'm also having a girl. So I don't put a whole lot of stock in them. 

However, day after day, year after year, generation after generation these OWTs are passed along as though they are sacred words to follow. Yeah, Ok. I don't buy it. In fact, I think that the more you research the effects of said WTs you will realize that they aren't all that effective or even safe.

In particular I'm referring to the ones that they say will induce labor. Let's think about that for a second. I know that by the time we've been incubating for 8.75 months, we're desperate. Those last three weeks seem to last the longest, as well as prove to be the hardest. Not only are you faced with the fact that you will very soon holding that little bundle of joy, you also are faced with the alleviation of all the pain, pressure, and problems that come with being 9 months pregnant. I'll be the first to admit that right now, walking feels like I'm climbing a mountain. My back hurts in a way that it hasn't for...well, since the last time I was this pregnant. I can't eat half the foods I love, which I hate, because I have the Worst Heartburn Known To Man.

That being said, I'm not ready to jump on up and drink some Castor Oil.

So for this delightful post, I'm going to pro/con (most likely with the "pro") all those lovely OWT Labor Inducing Methods.

Castor Oil: Not to be confused with Castro Oil, which is actually for your car! Take note ladies, Castor oil is a laxative. It gets ya moving! Which is great, if you aren't nine months pregnant, and already on the toilet 24/7. Most likely what will happen if you try to ingest this, is it will upset your stomach. By "upset" I mean you will probably have diarrhea and dehydration, along with the embarrassment of telling your doctor that you were desperate to push a baby out, when in reality you're just gonna push out some bowel movements. 

Spicy Foods: Safer than castor oil, but essentially the same concept. It's gonna give you a bubble gut, and you're probably just going to end up on the toilet. And seriously, would you want to be your doctor if you should go into labor while you're also passing gas and potentially suffering from diarrhea? Show some respect ladies. 

Nipple stimulation: Ok, so here's the nitty gritty of this one. There is a reason that nursing moms tend to lose weight faster. It's because the act of having your nipples stimulated causes your uterus to contract back to it's regular size faster. Now, going off that logic, Yes, it would also start labor contractions. However, do you realize how long you'd have to do that in order for the contractions to actually be effective and long term? If you've got the time to sit and play with yourself for hours, go ahead. I'll be chillaxing pain free til I'm actually using my bits to feed a baby.

Sex: Ok, so there's two reasons this "works" 1. Sperm softens your cervix. 2. An orgasm can cause contractions. So. If, at 9 months pregnant, you are feeling confident in your physical capability to do the deed, have fun. Prepare yourself for the reality that in the end, you're probably just going to want to cry cause it's so hard to move around. But, if you can make it happen, this is one of the more "effective" ways of inducing labor. Just saying. Not to mention, as a plus, it's probably the last time you'll actually want/be able to partake in this activity for awhile.

Walking/Exercise: Supposedly this is supposed to prepare all those muscles, and entice baby to move on down and get ready. Yeah, not sure how, considering you can't really walk at a brisk pace if baby is already "head down and in position" It's like trying to walk while holding a bowling ball between your legs. Not very easy, and not very enjoyable. I prefer the "lay on the couch and pretend you're motivated enough to move" method. Of course, the upside of walking is that for the first time in what (in my case) is probably months, you'll be up and moving around which might be refreshing.

A bumpy car ride/four wheeler: Ok, I get the theory behind this. Bump that baby down! However, I'm not full term yet, and I can't STAND being jarred around in the car. If Husband even Thinks about braking too hard, I'm all over him like white on rice. But if you want to feel like you were punched in the whoo-ha, go right on ahead. 

Yoga Ball- Now this is a new one to me. But I've been hearing some women talk about how sitting on a yoga ball and swaying your hips, or bouncing slightly also helps get baby in position. Now, I haven't tried this, but it seems a lot more comfortable than walking up a steep hill considering it's supposed to do the same thing. The plus side to a yoga ball? If you've still got the coordination to stay on one, you're a lucky lady. :)

Membrane stripping: This one should be performed by a medical professional only. Preferably the one who actually knows about your pregnancy. ;)

Anyway. Those are just a handful of the most common ways women try to bring on baby. Do I think they work? Nope, not really, unless you are lucky enough to try them when your body just happens to be ready to go into labor anyway. If body ain't ready, baby ain't ready.

I'm sure in 2.5 weeks I'll be reminding myself of this little tidbit of advice. But personally, with this baby, I'm fine if he stays in there as long as possible. I'm in no hurry to evict him, no matter how uncomfortable I am. Because the best thing for baby is to cook as long as possible. 37 weeks may be considered full term, but did you know that even some 37 week babies have to have a trip to the NICU? You'll spend the rest of your life thinking about your tiny human. Might as well start now.

In the spirit of planning.

So if you avidly read my blog, hopefully you read it in order. Hopefully this doesn't strike you as random, as my previous post was also all about my freak planning tendencies.

Anywho. I just mentioned in my previous post about how I like to make lists, and all the things I want to list out at the moment.

One of the things I've been thinking a lot about is packing my bags for the hospital, as well as packing bags for my children to have ready if Mommy goes into labor at a random time. Which, is likely, since childbirth tends to be random and happen when you least expect it. However, I am seriously slacking this time because I'm pretty sure the last two times I had to rush off to the hospital I had been packed for at least a month. And the girls didn't even come until the day before their due dates, where as this baby feels like he's going to bust on out at any moment. 

So in the spirit of at least pretending like I'm not putting things off to the last minute, I'm going to do something fun. I'm going to take one of those lists that websites post saying "You will WANT these items, and possibly die without them" and I'm going to rip it to shreds. Fun, right? I think so. 

So here is my "abridged" version of those silly little lists, as well my thoughts on all the extra bull they insist you need. :) (This list comes from thebump.com's Pregnancy Checklist: Packing a Hospital Bag)

Must-Haves: 

[ ] Insurance info, hospital forms and birth plan (if you have one)  Ok, so I agree with the insurance info. However, since I never pre-register I know that you can fill out the hospital forms when you get there. Been there, done that. No Big Deal.

As for the birth plan? I laugh at anyone who has a birth plan. In fact, I'm pretty sure the nurses do too. If there is something that you are So Serious you want to happen (For example, I knew I wanted a mirror) all you have to do is tell your nurse. Stress it once, and if they forget casually remind them. No need to waste a bunch of paper printing off a birth plan that I GUARANTEE will not matter. Birth is unexpected, get over it.

[ ] 2-3 pairs of warm, nonskid socks that can get ruined (for walking the halls before and afterlabor) I don't know how many of you have been in labor at a hospital. But I know at my hospital there was no walking the halls before labor. I was in pain, and I didn't want anyone to see me in pain. So I got the epidural. Once that bad boy is in your spine, you're not going to be walking around much. If you wanna walk, stay at home as long as possible and skip the stupid socks. Cause you probably won't be walking the halls after labor either, I mean come on...

[ ] A warm robe or sweater you don’t mind sacrificing to the cause. Yeah, um, what person in their right mind wants to "sacrifice" something like a robe or a sweater to this situation? I don't know about you, but I've never been able to just buy a $5 robe that was actually comfy enough to want to wear, and I sure as hell won't be sacrificing anything I paid good money for. The hospital provides blankets and gowns for a reason people. 

[ ] 2 maternity bras -- no underwire -- and nursing pads (whether or not you plan to nurse, you’ll appreciate the support and leak-protection) Nothing to dissect on this one. It's legit. :)

[ ] Lip balm (hospitals are very dry) I don't know about hospitals being dry, I never needed chapstick for any reason, but if you like it, sure throw it on in there.

[ ] Toiletries and personal items -- hairbrush, toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, face wash, makeup (as if), shampoo, conditioner, lotion, contact lens case and solution (remember, travel-sized products are your friends) Now these I can understand. However, I was only in the hospital for 2.5 days. I took a shower before I went, and I only took ONE shower while I was there, and it didn't last long. I could barely stand, and had to have a nurse help me. So I just used the soaps they had there. Oral hygiene though, yeah bring your own. That takes up like, No Room in your bag, so why not.

[ ] Eyeglasses  Well, sure, if you need them.

[ ] Headband or ponytail holder (avoid clips -- they’ll probably poke you) Hmm, I'm not sure how this one worked out, because my hair is always in a ponytail, so I didn't have to pack extra. I used the ones I already had.

[ ] Sugar-free hard candy or lozenges to keep your mouth moist during labor (candy with sugar will make you thirsty) Skip this too. They aren't going to let you have them. I was allowed to have ice and that was about it.

[ ] Pen and paper Sure, if you don't have a smart phone. Or if no body around you has a smart phone. Or if you just like to write Every Last Detail. Now that I think about it, I'll probably have paper. 

[ ] Lots of change for the vending machines and non-perishable snacks (you’ll probably be hungry after labor, and the hospital cafeteria could be closed)  Only if you are in the middle of Podunk Nowhere. I mean, come on, there's gonna be something open nearby. My hospital is right by the busiest part of town, meaning there's every fast food joint imaginable, at least 20 gas stations, a mall, and a Walmart. Why pack snacks?

[ ] Cell phone and charger, phone numbers of people to call after birth, prepaid calling card (if your hospital doesn’t allow cell phones)  Ok, I am not sure what era these people are living in where their hospital doesn't allow cell phones, but sure, should you not be allowed to have the cellphone bring a prepaid calling card. Of course, most people probably won't answer because these days who answers a number they aren't familiar with?

[ ] Camera, film or extra memory card, battery or charger  Nothing to add. This is a given.

[ ] A gym bag packed with a change of clothes and basic hygiene products for your partner Yes, and no. Husband will most likely not be staying with me this time, so I won't be bringing much for him. However, I agree that you should think of your spouse. I did the last two times, because he was planning on staying there.

Take it or leave it:

[ ] Extra pillow (with a case that can get ruined, in a pattern distinguishable from hospital white) Again, why would you want to sacrifice something you like? I don't get it.

[ ] Comfortable going-home clothes in six-month maternity size and flat shoes (or, just wear the clothes you came in… sorry, but they’ll probably still fit) I wore my maternity clothes the whole time. Easy Cheesy.

[ ] Bath towel (the hospital will likely supply a small, very thin one)  Ok, remember what I said about the toiletries? Insert that here.

[ ] Hairdryer Sure if you can stand up long enough to dry your hair. If you even give a crap at this point.

[ ] Your favorite brand of soap, shampoo and heavy flow sanitary pads (the hospital supplies these things, but bring your own if you’re picky)  Why do they insist on this soap stuff? Am I the only woman in the world who loves to just use the freebies??

[ ] A few pairs of maternity underwear that can get ruined (the hospital will have disposable pairs, which some women find handy and others find gross) Personally, the mesh ones saved my life. You can barely feel them, which I think is pretty important after you push a baby out. Just saying.

[ ] A ruin-able nightgown (you can use those lovely hospital gowns, but your own might help you feel more human) I just don't get it..... Maybe for after labor. But I don't plan on having a whole lot, cause I'm gonna have enough laundry to do when I get home.

[ ] Breast pump, if you plan to use one The hospital generally  has one you can use. Take advantage of anything they offer.

[ ] Slippers that can get dirty I guess i just wear flip flops Every-Freaking-Where.

[ ] Very light reading (think mags and newspapers, not War and Peace) Yup. Just in case you aren't actually sleeping when you can, or oohing over that baby you just brought into the world.

[ ] Your MP3 (loaded with your favorite tunes, of course) Again, SMART PHONE?

[ ] Massage oil and tools like rolling pins or tennis balls, and lucky or inspirational objects (honestly, we doubt you'll use 'em…but feel free to prove us wrong!) Hey at least they admit this is ridiculous.

As for the next two sections, I agree completely. :)

Leave Home:

[ ] Any clothes or nighties you really like (they will get ruined) 

[ ] Stopwatch (your nurse or a monitor will take care of timing contractions)

What to Bring For Baby:

[ ] Approved car seat

[ ] A coming-home outfit

[ ] Warm blankets (for the ride home)

[ ] Outdoor gear like a snowsuit and hat, as seasonally appropriate (remember, babies are extra sensitive to cold)