Keep it in your pants.

If you have ever had a baby, you might know the rules regarding jumping into bed to do the deed after the baby is born. There is a time limit in which you are supposed to wait, in order to heal, and for all your internal organs to move back into place and what not. However, the scariest part is not the healing process. It's a little thing called fertility. After having a baby, go figure, you are ridiculously fertile. Which means having Mommy and Daddy time before you are supposed to is a big no no. 

So why is it, every time I turn around on one of the Birth Club message boards I lurk on, am I seeing posts like "Oh my God I might be pregnant??!?!?!" Seriously? You JUST had a baby. In October. It is only November. Are you so dense and irresponsible that you would risk not only YOUR body, but also your possible child's health because you couldn't keep in your pants like the doctor said? There is a reason they tell you no. I'm pretty sure my doctor didn't say "Now Kerry, NO SEX until your six week check up. Actually let's try for NO SEX until we get your tubal ligation done." And by golly, since all Husband has to do is Look at me cross eyed and get me pregnant, you bet your toosh I'm waiting until after that delightful and irreversible surgery. (No really, I was on the pill when I got pregnant with Monster 2, I'm not taking any chances.)

Now, I know not everyone has self control made of steel like I do. Ok, let's be honest here. I know not everyone has the intense and suffocating fear of having a FOURTH child like I do. But seriously. If your baby isn't even three months old yet, and you aren't on birth control, and your husband didn't go buy a freaking condom, why in bloody hell are you so worried about Doing-The-Deed. I don't care what anyone says. No one wants to be pregnant for 18 month straight. That's 18 months without a cocktail. That 18 months of being an incubator. 18 months of giving up every bad habit you have. 18 months of baby packing on the pounds, making it about 18 times harder to lose it after the SECOND baby is born. 18 months of your organs being all jacked up inside your body. 18 months of your stomach sitting right up by your ribs, because it never had the chance to float back down in place, because holy hell, your uterus didn't even get to shrink back down all the way. All because you couldn't use a condom to get frisky.

You may think I'm being harsh. But to me, someone who says "Well, we certainly aren't TRYING to get pregnant. That's just silly. We just forgot to use protection."

That's not silly. That's freaking stupid. Irresponsible. Dense. Thick headed. Idiotic. Insane. Childish. Immature. I could go on. and on. and on. 

Because if you are not using protection and you are having sex before you are supposed to, you cannot say you aren't trying to get pregnant, because you are. After all, God made us the way he did for a reason. Those parts fit together for a purpose, and that purpose is to make babies. Trust me, I have three of them. 

So for the love of all things holy, quit your whining and attention seeking by talking about how "Oh my God I might be pregnant." It's lame. You knew what you were doing. If by some lucky chance you didn't get yourself knocked up, please, spare us all and KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS.