The Sh*t My Kid Says

Here we go friends, another installment of the crazy things my kids say. Usually it's just Monster S, being older, wiser and therefore slightly more clever than Monster L. However, my delightful middle child is catching up with her older counterpart so these days I find myself cackling at both of them. So just for you, I'm compiling another list.

Monster S, on the subject of her birthday party (which has many funny moments!)

    On the theme:

S: Mama, I've decided what kind of party I would like to have. 

M: Oh yeah, what kind?

S: A rainbow party. With a unicorn flying, with really big wings, and a rainbow coming out of its butt!

M: A rainbow coming out of its butt?? That's so silly!

S: Yeah, like, it's going to FART it out! *much laughter ensues*

      On her gifts:

After a visit with Nana and Papaw, Monster S ended her good-byes with this:

S: Bye Nana!!! Don't forget, it's almost my birthday so go buy me lots of toys!

Me: S! You can't just say "Go buy me toys!" that's rude!
S: But I want toys, how else is she going to know if I don't tell her?

M: *shakes my head exasperatingly*

While on the phone with Grandma

Me: S, what do you want for your birthday?
S: Presents!
M: I know, but what KIND of presents? What do you want me to tell people you like?
S: Mama, if I tell them what I want I won't be surprised! *insert lots of eye rolling from Monster*

M: Touche.

     On the food:

M: S, what do you want to eat at your party?
S: Um, Food, what else would we eat?

M: *dumbstruck*

S: Well I guess we could eat lots of candy....

Monster L has had a few things to say about it too....

L: Mama, S gets wainbows for her pawty. Loss and Loss of WAINBOWS in the SKY!

M: Yep, lots and lots of rainbows. 

L: Lie-Lie loves wainbows. (Lie-Lie is what L calls herself)

M: Mama loves rainbows too.

L: NO! You no love dem. I love dem. You just the mama, and you no love wainbows cause wainbows are for little girls.

M: Well Mama was a little girl once.

L: No, you just mama. (Observant little sh*t.)

On the subject of their Brother.

L: Mama, brudder is stinky. I don't want Brother anymore.

M: Baby, we can't get rid of Brother. He's our baby!

L: No mama, he YOUR baby. I no want him.

M: Ok, he's my baby.

L: Oh sweet mama, look at your baby. Can I hold hims?

M: Wait, I thought you didn't want him?
L: I just attending* mama. (*pretending in Monster L speak)

S: Mama, Brother cries a lot, can't you make him stop?
M: If only I could babycakes.

S: Well then what ARE you doing?

M: Good talk S, good talk.

S: Ugh, you just don't understand what I'm SAYING.

That's right folks, she's almost 5 going on Shoot Me Now 15!

For the moments when listening is overrated.

M: S, you and I are about to box, and I'm going to win (metaphorically, of course)

S: Um, no, you are NOT going to win.

M: *taken aback* Excuse me? What did you just say?
S: I SAID you are not going to win, I promise Mama.

I walked away folks. I feel I should add a disclosure that my child IS still living, and no one was harmed in the making of this moment.

M: L, you need to help your sister clean your room.

L: Oh no Mommy, I can't help I holding my GeeRaffey (her stuffed giraffe) and I sooooo tired.

M: No, you need to help S.

L: S do it, not Lie-lie. 

M: No, pick up your People, right now.

S: Oh it's ok mama I'll pick up the people. L can do the clothes.

L: NO, Lie-lie do the people! Dose my people, I no want to do the clothes.

S: Ok, I'll do the clothes, you do the people.

M:Very clever S. I like your style.

They didn't get far in cleaning their room. They did however clean just enough so that they had a spot to play with their Little People. 

That's it for now folks. I hope you've enjoyed this post, brought to you by the Monsters that live in the room down the hall.
To read more of the sh*t my kids say, Click Here and Here.