Some days, I sit and think about how things used to be. Relationships that I used to have, people that I loved fiercely. Some days I can push past the thoughts and feelings of remorse, regret and sadness. Other days, it hits me like a ton of bricks. It consumes me, and I'm feeling guilty for letting the distance go on so long; for not reaching out sooner; for not reaching out right now. The overwhelming urge to have things like they "used to be" is so strong that I just want to make everything better.
But then I remember that I am not fully capable of fixing things. That I cannot save the world by myself. I cannot make things better, because I don't even know where to start. And then that leads me here, pouring out my feelings in a public forum in hopes that one day someone will stumble across it and think, "Yeah, let's make this happen."
You know, children are capable of far more than adults in regards to the cold,. hard truth. They have the ability to smack you in the face with their innocence. Their inquisitive minds and hearts that just want the truth and all you want to do is shelter them. But they know.
They know that when you flip through a photo album, and stumble across a familiar face that something is not like it was. Why is that person in this picture, and why are they not here now? When are they coming back? Don't they love me? As a parent the unbearable sadness and heartbreak of not knowing how to explain adult situations to your child is one of the most difficult things to encounter. Especially when your child is smarter than you, and their simplistic problem solving is much easier said than done.
Well let's just call them Mommy.
Let's write them a letter.
Can we invite them over to play?
Why are they so far away, when they could just live here?
What do you say when you can't find the words to tell them how it is? And do you wait for the moment to pass, or do you take your child's advice and Just. Do. It. Call them. Write them. Apologize. Try to make it right? Because of course it is easier to never try. It is far easier to pretend like there isn't really a problem. But children know. They always know.
Friends, I am torn. Fear of rejection is a suffocating emotion. Fear of failure is almost as bad. How do you rebuild a bridge that doesn't have a single piece of foundation left?
Tell me friends, do you let it go? Or do you put yourself out there, knowing the risk of being rebuked is high?
I'll be pondering on this one for a while. I'll let you know how it goes.
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