Lazy Slacker McSlackster.

Monster's birthday party is in a week and 3 days. I've got nothing. Nothing done, nothing listed, nothing purchased. I don't know what is wrong with me. Why can't I get this taken care of? Why am I slacking so hard with this one. Probably because it's summer, and I have far more interesting things to do that do not include laundry...
I mean, I know exactly what I have to get. I know what things I need to buy, and how much I need. At least I think I do. I haven't even sat down to write out a real list. I would much rather be lazy and watch cartoons with the kids. Sit outside in the sun. Go to the pool. All of that sounds like a lot more fun.
Why can't I get anything dooooooonnnnnneeeee?

Ugh.

That suffocating feeling....

Some days, I sit and think about how things used to be. Relationships that I used to have, people that I loved fiercely. Some days I can push past the thoughts and feelings of remorse, regret and sadness. Other days, it hits me like a ton of bricks. It consumes me, and I'm feeling guilty for letting the distance go on so long; for not reaching out sooner; for not reaching out right now. The overwhelming urge to have things like they "used to be" is so strong that I just want to make everything better. 

But then I remember that I am not fully capable of fixing things. That I cannot save the world by myself. I cannot make things better, because I don't even know where to start. And then that leads me here, pouring out my feelings in a public forum in hopes that one day someone will stumble across it and think, "Yeah, let's make this happen."

You know, children are capable of far more than adults in regards to the cold,. hard truth. They have the ability to smack you in the face with their innocence. Their inquisitive minds and hearts that just want the truth and all you want to do is shelter them. But they know. 

They know that when you flip through a photo album, and stumble across a familiar face that something is not like it was. Why is that person in this picture, and why are they not here now? When are they coming back? Don't they love me? As a parent the unbearable sadness and heartbreak of not knowing how to explain adult situations to your child is one of the most difficult things to encounter. Especially when your child is smarter than you, and their simplistic problem solving is much easier said than done. 

Well let's just call them Mommy.

Let's write them a letter.

Can we invite them over to play?

Why are they so far away, when they could just live here?

What do you say when you can't find the words to tell them how it is? And do you wait for the moment to pass, or do you take your child's advice and Just. Do. It. Call them. Write them. Apologize. Try to make it right? Because of course it is easier to never try. It is far easier to pretend like there isn't really a problem. But children know. They always know. 

Friends, I am torn. Fear of rejection is a suffocating emotion. Fear of failure is almost as bad. How do you rebuild a bridge that doesn't have a single piece of foundation left?

Tell me friends, do you let it go? Or do you put yourself out there, knowing the risk of being rebuked is high?

I'll be pondering on this one for a while. I'll let you know how it goes.

Hypocrisy at its best.

So here's the thing. I'm not much into public shaming. I wrote about it once before, and I'm back to write about it again.

I can not understand how so many parents are getting away with this, especially in a time where every parenting choice you make is under microscope. Do you spank or not spank, do you eat green or buy processed boxed foods, do you cloth or disposable diaper. Parents are an easy target for back-handed comments, and direct insults on how things are done in one's own house.

Yet, here are these parents, publicly shaming their children for things such as lying, stealing, bad grades, and the most recent to pop up in the Yahoo News feed, bullying. BULLYING, friends. Being publicly shamed for BULLYING. Is that hypocrisy at its best or what? You bully your child to teach them about bullying. Right, seems legit.

What are these parents thinking? "Oh I'll show them what they did was wrong. I will make them feel embarrassed about what they've done by making them hold a sign." or "She made fun of another child's clothes, so I'm going to make her dress in thrift shop clothes from the 70s! That'll teach her!"

I cannot stand by idly and continue to read stories like this. It is not okay, and it is not acceptable. Especially this bullying crap. How is making YOUR CHILD feel like shit going to teach them a lesson. If you want to embarrass your kids, hug them in public or something. Show up and cheer really Really REALLY loudly at their soccer games. Embarrass them to death with pure love. Because deep down, no matter how humiliated they are, they love it. (I know, because my dad used to do that to me. Drop me off at school and holler real loud out the window "I love you honey! Have a great day!"). But please, for the love of all things, don't make them stand on the corner holding a sign professing what they've done wrong.

Because honestly, that doesn't make the kid look all that bad. It makes YOU as their PARENT look like a crap person. Where were you when your child wasn't studying? What have you done in front of them to make it look like it is ok to make someone else feel small and insignificant? Were you possibly making them wear hideously ugly clothes to school?

Children are going to act the way we teach them to act. Don't believe me? I'll introduce you to Monster S. She has an attitude from Hades, and before she uses word she hears me say, she asks me what they mean just so she can use it in the right context.

Pony up friends, and teach your kids right from wrong with out traumatizing them with a story that they'll tell their spouse one day. Because remember, one day your children will be telling someone something they remember from their childhood and whomever they tell is going to think of that every time they look at you. So make sure they're thinking of something that resonates profoundly, instead of lowering their opinions of you as a parent and as a person.

Put an end to public shaming, and bring back the times where parents talk to their kids. You know when they're lying. Do what my dad did. Random lie checks. "Hey honey how was school? Oh great, that's good. So have you ever done drugs?" Re-instate the surprise factor if you really want them to be scared that you know what they're doing. But quit with the poster board, because are far better uses for that dead tree.

Be a hero, friends, be a hero.

In a day and age where information is readily available LITERALLY at your fingertips, I never cease to be amazed by the horrors I see every time I leave my house. What, pray tell, am I talking about?

Car Seat Safety, friends, car seat safety.

This subject comes up a lot among my friends inside the computer. Every so often someone finds themselves in a situation where they must choose between saying something to a complete stranger, or feeling residual feelings of guilt as they watch a child placed, often unbeknownst  to the parents, in a precarious situation. 

I know, you're sitting here wondering what the heck I'm talking about. If a child is unsafe, then OF COURSE you tell them. Right? Seems easy.

But how do you change an ingrained thought process of millions of people everywhere that something is ok, or correct a mistake that most people don't even realize they are making. Car. Seat. Safety. It's serious, and it needs to be addressed.

Issue Number 1. The infamous Chest Clip.

Here's a picture for you, so you can see what I'm talking about.

This is the appropriate way to place a chest clip vs the INAPPROPRIATE AND UNACCEPTABLE way.

Now, before you get the idea that I am some nose in the air, superior to you, know it all mother. Take a minute. Rethink. I'm talking about how So Many People are incorrectly buckling their children into their car seats. Not just infants, because toddler seats also have a chest clip. Not a stomach clip, not a double crotch clip, not an optional clip. A mother trucking Chest Clip. Buckle your kids. Because it keeps them in their seat. God forbid, you get into an accident and your child flies out of his/her car seat because you didn't take the extra 3 seconds to slide that sucker up. It's not difficult to "Place at armpit level" and you can never assume that it won't happen to you. Because that's usually when it does.

Spread the word friends, tell everyone you know. Hurt their feelings. Hell, feelings be damned. You could save a child's life by simply informing everyone around you about the dangers of improperly buckling your child. You know what that makes you? A hero, friend, that makes you a hero. 

Issue Number 2: Car seats on the handles of carts.

This is the twitchy subject. This is the one that people everywhere are usually Doing Wrong, and think it's ok, because Everyone Is Doing It. This is not high school folks, this is your kids we're talking about. Just because the other moms have their infant carriers on the handle of a shopping cart, Does Not make it ok. In fact, I want you to walk over to them and maybe share this article about a mom who lost her 3 month old because the cart hit a bump, the infant carrier hit the ground, and the baby died. It is a serious problem that has a  slew of excuses to go along with it. It is a popular discussion on my mommy board. In fact, 4 out of 4 Internet gangstas agree, don't put your car seat on the cart (that one is for you Nik!). Here's the excuses that one would normally hear, and a counter response to each.

Excuse: I don't have room for my groceries in I put the carrier in the actual seat. 

My Reply: Um, your child could be injured, or even die. Use the seat part and the space around the car seat.

E: But this is a big trip

MR: Pull two carts, baby in one, groceries in the other.

E: Well I would look silly doing that, and it's too hard.

MR: I've done it. With three kids. Older kids in each seat of the buggies, and baby in the basket of one. Try again.

E: Well, that's hard to maneuver for me, I'm all by myself.

MR: Get a babysitter. 

E: Well I don't know anybody who could watch my child while I shop.

MR: Use the store provided infant seat that is welded to the very cart.

E: None were available.

MR: Wear your baby.

E: I don't have a wrap.

MR: Put your groceries on the bottom part of the cart, under the basket.

E: Well that's inconvenient.

MR: Then stop having kids asshat, because that my friend, is life. 

What I'm saying here is, it does not matter what excuse you give me. Your child is always more important. Always. Spread the words friends. You could save a life. What does that make you? A hero, that's what.

And if you're offended by the information I'm sharing with you, then you're probably doing it wrong. Don't be offended. Think of it less as "I'm shoving statistics at you" and more as "I am a mother protecting my children, concerned about protecting other mother's children too". 

That's real talk right there.

The Sh*t My Kid Says

Here we go friends, another installment of the crazy things my kids say. Usually it's just Monster S, being older, wiser and therefore slightly more clever than Monster L. However, my delightful middle child is catching up with her older counterpart so these days I find myself cackling at both of them. So just for you, I'm compiling another list.

Monster S, on the subject of her birthday party (which has many funny moments!)

    On the theme:

S: Mama, I've decided what kind of party I would like to have. 

M: Oh yeah, what kind?

S: A rainbow party. With a unicorn flying, with really big wings, and a rainbow coming out of its butt!

M: A rainbow coming out of its butt?? That's so silly!

S: Yeah, like, it's going to FART it out! *much laughter ensues*

      On her gifts:

After a visit with Nana and Papaw, Monster S ended her good-byes with this:

S: Bye Nana!!! Don't forget, it's almost my birthday so go buy me lots of toys!

Me: S! You can't just say "Go buy me toys!" that's rude!
S: But I want toys, how else is she going to know if I don't tell her?

M: *shakes my head exasperatingly*

While on the phone with Grandma

Me: S, what do you want for your birthday?
S: Presents!
M: I know, but what KIND of presents? What do you want me to tell people you like?
S: Mama, if I tell them what I want I won't be surprised! *insert lots of eye rolling from Monster*

M: Touche.

     On the food:

M: S, what do you want to eat at your party?
S: Um, Food, what else would we eat?

M: *dumbstruck*

S: Well I guess we could eat lots of candy....

Monster L has had a few things to say about it too....

L: Mama, S gets wainbows for her pawty. Loss and Loss of WAINBOWS in the SKY!

M: Yep, lots and lots of rainbows. 

L: Lie-Lie loves wainbows. (Lie-Lie is what L calls herself)

M: Mama loves rainbows too.

L: NO! You no love dem. I love dem. You just the mama, and you no love wainbows cause wainbows are for little girls.

M: Well Mama was a little girl once.

L: No, you just mama. (Observant little sh*t.)

On the subject of their Brother.

L: Mama, brudder is stinky. I don't want Brother anymore.

M: Baby, we can't get rid of Brother. He's our baby!

L: No mama, he YOUR baby. I no want him.

M: Ok, he's my baby.

L: Oh sweet mama, look at your baby. Can I hold hims?

M: Wait, I thought you didn't want him?
L: I just attending* mama. (*pretending in Monster L speak)

S: Mama, Brother cries a lot, can't you make him stop?
M: If only I could babycakes.

S: Well then what ARE you doing?

M: Good talk S, good talk.

S: Ugh, you just don't understand what I'm SAYING.

That's right folks, she's almost 5 going on Shoot Me Now 15!

For the moments when listening is overrated.

M: S, you and I are about to box, and I'm going to win (metaphorically, of course)

S: Um, no, you are NOT going to win.

M: *taken aback* Excuse me? What did you just say?
S: I SAID you are not going to win, I promise Mama.

I walked away folks. I feel I should add a disclosure that my child IS still living, and no one was harmed in the making of this moment.

M: L, you need to help your sister clean your room.

L: Oh no Mommy, I can't help I holding my GeeRaffey (her stuffed giraffe) and I sooooo tired.

M: No, you need to help S.

L: S do it, not Lie-lie. 

M: No, pick up your People, right now.

S: Oh it's ok mama I'll pick up the people. L can do the clothes.

L: NO, Lie-lie do the people! Dose my people, I no want to do the clothes.

S: Ok, I'll do the clothes, you do the people.

M:Very clever S. I like your style.

They didn't get far in cleaning their room. They did however clean just enough so that they had a spot to play with their Little People. 

That's it for now folks. I hope you've enjoyed this post, brought to you by the Monsters that live in the room down the hall.
To read more of the sh*t my kids say, Click Here and Here.

Almost perfect.

It has happened, at long long last. I may have mentioned in one of my previous posts (don't ask me which, couldn't tell ya) that Monster Man is allergic to eggs and peanuts. As a nursing mom, this means I'm taking those foods, and any that contain them, out of my diet. Already we have seen a huge improvement in his skin and a dramatic decrease in eczema flare ups. While this is outstanding news that deserves a celebration, I am celebrating another big moment for myself. 

Perhaps it's reading every single ingredient on every single food label (um, by the way, can you say GROSS Great Value brand???) or maybe it's just that it's summer and I'm sweating it all off. Who cares why it happened, just that it did. 

I know I'm leaving you in so much suspense.

I am FINALLY under the "Less than 30 pounds to go" mark. I am only 27 pounds away from being back to my pre-pregnant (with Monster L) weight! And it happens every time, I'll soon stop breastfeeding and then BAM ten more pounds will go (because that's the weight I carry around in my sad, child inflicted chest) and then there's no telling what will happen. 

This may seem trivial to all of you, but really it is cause for celebration. It almost makes me want to work out...

Nah, I think I'll just keep eating salads. 

Carry on friends, in your quests to happiness. Nothing can deter me today, because right now my crazy little life is almost perfect.

DO IT!

I'd like to direct you now to the "Join This Site" section of my blog. Never miss a post by me again, and enjoy the ability to get new blog posts right to your Reader List. You'll need a Google+ or G-mail account. But that's o.k., because if you own a smartphone, your probably already have one of those. :)

Perhaps you're thinking that I'm thinking a little highly of myself. Nah, it's not that. I just like to know who's reading what I write. Call it, market research or perhaps even consider it, Me writing for YOU. Right, right? Doesn't that make you feel better about becoming a follower and helping me reach my goal of over 3000 page views?

Alright, alright. Real Talk. Consider this you reaching out and boosting my confidence a little bit. Everybody needs a boost every now and then. 

My Cartoon Life Preserver.

Disney Jr has joined the world of Netflix! Why is this so exciting? Why do I care so much? Why am I grinning ear to ear?

I'll tell you why. Because we have not had cable in two years. Two. Years. It has been Two Whole Years of NO Disney channel. I love the Disney channel, and to be frank, I was teetering on the edge of making a decision between spearing my eyes out with a fork or ripping out my own eardrums with my bare hands. It has been a long two years filled with many, Many, MANY episodes of Dora the Explorer (who, let's be honest, needs to be disciplined, running off like that all the time) and Wonder Pets (what's going to kill Mommy? TEAMWORK!) and Backyardigans (WHO WRITES THIS SHIT???).  I have lived through many an episode that causes head spinning, nausea, and even severe cartoon related depression. I've served my Nick Jr sentence, I've done my time, and I've done it all with a smile on my face. Granted, the smile was a murderous one, that you would probably find on the face of a psychopath with a deranged scheme in her mind of how to take down these annoying little pests one by one. But a smile nonetheless.

And then, like a tiny half frayed piece of rope tossed down into the dark bottomless cartoon induced pit, Disney made a contract with Netflix. Grabbing hold of that rope, I hung on tightly to the lifeline of the movies. Tinkerbell, Pocohantas, Tarzan and Jane. It was a feeble reminder that there is light in the world, a light that I myself experienced as a child. I could breathe again. Though I still had a wistful longing for a 30-minutes-an-episodee kind of relief, because how do you limit t.v. time to one hour when the only things you can stand to watch with your kids are At Least an hour and a half long? I'm ashamed to admit that once or twice I found myself engrossed in these Disney movies. Enchanted. Delighted. Once, I even put the girls in bed so I could finish watching the newest Tinkerbell movie in peace and quiet, because unlike the Monsters, I hadn't seen it yet. 

But all good things must come to an end, and suddenly I found myself saying things like "We are NOT watching Tinkerbell and the Lost Treasure AGAIN. Pick something different!". My lifeline was becoming even more frayed, with each fleeting second. I was starting to say the lines WITH Tinkerbell (can you tell Tink is a favorite?) and suddenly the great Disney/Netflix joy was wearing off.

They must have foreseen that something like that would happen. Because just as I was entering back into the dark days of Nick Jr, something new happened. Something so amazing, that I even wrote a Facebook status about it! Jake and the Neverland Pirates happened. There it was. I was still holding on to the rope inside the pit, but with the introduction of a new cartoon that we had only seen ONCE, I was lifted out of the abyss. No more lengthy movies to inhibit my t.v. time law, no more Dora, or Ming Ming, Diego, or Pablo. It was Captain Hook for the win my friends. This treachorous villain of my childhood brought a new smile to my face. Cartoons became my friend again! Now, the steady influx of Disney Jr shows taking over my recently watched feed is pure, child-like, bliss.

 So you'll have to excuse me now friends. The Monsters and I just found Handy Manny. ;)

A Tiny Toe Dip.

I have been in a funk friends. A no-cleaning, no-motivation, don't-want-to-leave-my-house-or-change-out-of-pjs kind of funk. I don't know what brought it on, except maybe the mundane day-to-day dredge of life and housework. It hasn't been pretty, and if you saw my house two days ago, you would take me by the shoulders and yell at me to snap out of it.

But that, I hope, is a thing of the past now. I went to bed Thursday evening having accomplished more in the hour before I went to bed than I have accomplished in the last two weeks. Friday brought the joy of waking up to a clean house. Friday was a motivated kind of day, where four loads of laundry were finished to completion. My floors were swept, in a frantic rush in hopes of getting rid of some of the dog fur that had staked claim in the corners of each room. To put it simply, yesterday kicked ass.

I surfed Pinterest before bed, thinking of all the things I want to do with my children over the summer. I went to bed relieved for the first time in weeks that my husband would be working today. It is Saturday friends, the beginning of the weekend for so many of you, and the start of a two day countdown for me. Monday is a free day in this house. A day where Daddy is home, and we have an entire day to hang out as a family. Today would normally be filled with the disappointment that the rain was here, but not enough to keep Husband from work. Instead, having spent the last week plagued with thoughts of money, I am grateful that Husband has it in him to keep on trekking in his constant battle for provision. I am a lucky lady today. No luckier than I was last week, but today I am filled with the realization of it.

It has been a week from hell, and somehow I managed to not pull out my hair right along with Monster Man, who's newfound discovery of inducing pain has been a source of delight (for him) and tear jerking (LITERALLY, for me). This week brought new challenges, in the form of a brand new diet for this already half-crazed mama. Monster man is allergic to peanuts, and eggs. What does this mean for one so young? It means that his nursing mama can no longer consume ANYTHING with those in it. Do you know how many things have eggs and peanuts in them?? Not as many as dairy, which is what we tried first. But still, every label I read has the potential to be exasperating. Oh, and not only that, but Holy Moly Batman. Please, for the love of all things people, start reading the labels of foods you eat. Some of them contain some surprising, and almost gag-worthy, ingredients. I've been warned not to read the Great Value brand label of Kool-Aid. Out of pure self-preservation, I'm not going to. But I'm also not going to use it. Anyway, a new diet isn't as bad as I thought, and perhaps it is the reason that in the last two days I've lost 3 pounds. I'm sticking to a safe choice of salad with fresh ingredients. That seems to be the best way to go. I am thoroughly relieved, however, to be able to consume my coffee creamer again. I spent three days after Monster Man's six month check up not eating dairy, while we waited for the allergy panel results. I didn't think I would be as relieved as I was to put cheese on my pasta, and creamer in my coffee.

MMMMmmmm, coffee. Yeah, I definitely was not enjoying my coffee, so that is another thing to be thankful for today. The nice hot cup sitting in front of me is a source of joy and solace. I can tune out the world with this cup. This cup is beautiful, this cup a pure delight. This cup...Holy shit, my coffee cup has a crack in the handle. Ok, maybe it's not as beautiful as I was describing, but hey, it's coffee and it's consumable. Cracks be damned.

I'm going a little off point. I'd hate for you to think that my week from hell was brought on entirely by my son's allergies. That's not the case, because honestly that is a small blip on the radar of life.

I've said it before, I'm saying it now, and I'm positive I'll say it again. Money Sucks. Every aspect of it. Having it, not having it, needing it, not needing it, being late on bills, and shuffling bills around. Money seems to run our lives. Husband is working two jobs and while he isn't concerned, I find myself analyzing the way he is when he is home. My biggest fear in life is that something could happen to him, and let me tell you, it is exhausting to worry. But I do, because it is my job, and he is my world. I worry that he is working too much, sometimes I worry he isn't working enough. I worry that he is going to burn out, and I also worry that he'll dig deep and find a secret energy reserve that allows him to work even more. Poor guy, he's so blind. I mean, what else could it be that's driving him to such measures, if he's not completely blinded by love for his family? Exactly how it should be, but here I sit, still worrying. Needless to say, this week has held a lot of talk of work and money, all of which is just so overwhelming. Hell, I only cleaned the house so I could feel like I was doing SOMETHING to help, to maybe relieve a little of the burden. I'm a firm believer, after all, that looking at a clean kitchen has the potential to make anyone feel better about life in general.

Sometimes, all you need is a little perspective that things are going to be ok. After the week delivered to my door by Satan himself, I got a lot done. In fact, I thought for sure I wouldn't be able to jump back to my blog with a new post, but here it is! An update on our crazy little life, and hopefully the toe dip in the water that I needed to jump in full force. I'll try to be back again soon, readers, because I have so much that is going on that could be the outline for a bit of comedic relief. Then again, it's all the same 'ole same 'ole for me, and sometimes I can't make funny out of mundane. But I will try. 

Until Next Time.

The Monster and Me-A lesson in Respect.

 It has been a trying week for Monster S and I, and whoa buddy is this girl treading on thin ice lately. She has a mouth like her mama, and I worry about her too. In this very second, I'm remembering being told as a kid that "One day you'll smart off to someone bigger than you, and they'll knock your ass out." Yeah, she's my daughter for sure, because I fear she is in for it when she goes to school and blossoms with confidence. It's a slippery slope, and I find myself in a constant state of reprimand. Friends, how many times can you tell a child something before they listen?? It's a conundrum almost as nerve wracking as "How many licks to the center of a Tootsie Pop". Waiting in anticipation of something that may or may not Ever. Freaking. Happen. Monster S has a few catchphrases that I would love to make part of the "Sh*t My Kid Says" series, but alas, they are only funny because they come from one so young. For example. Monster S likes challenges. Not the "Hey Mama, I bet I can race you and WIN" kind of challenges. The kind where she and I are having a standoff and she says something smart like "Um, Mama, I guarantee you WON'T win!" in response to one of my favorite sayings, "We're going to box, and I'm gonna win."
Just yesterday Monster S got a lesson in Respect. That's a big deal in our house and S just loves anything to do with learning, so what better way to get a point across than to make her Learn From It. After she sassed her Daddy, and he tried in vain to get her to stand still and listen to him, I had to step in. I have a fierce, fiery spot in my heart for anyone who tries to step up to my man, and that includes my children. The conversation went like this:
Me: "S, get your tiny little butt over here right this second!"
S: "No, I'm not going to get in trouble. I didn't want to help Daddy, and you can't make me"
Me: "S, you will be in a lot more trouble if you don't Get. Here. Now." (I add the punctuation to give the effect of how I actually said this to her.)
S: *arms crossed, and stomping over* "Fine"
Me: "Now, who did you just refuse to help?"
S: "Daddy"
M: "And WHERE has Daddy been All Day Long?"
S: "Working"
M: "That's right. Working. And WHYYYY has Daddy been working All Day Long?"
S: "To make money." (can you tell we've had a talk similar before?)
M: "That's right to make money. Money that pays for things like: This house. The food on our table. Your clothes. My clothes. Your Birthday Party." At this, her eyes changed. It was so fast, so quick that unless you were in my shoes, you may not have seen it. It was a combination of realization and, almost, fear.
M: "Now, Daddy is working really, really hard to make money, because he loves you and wants you to have the things you want. Refusing to help your daddy is very disrespectful, considering all that he does for you.  So, What. Do. You. Need. To. Do.?"
Friends, I was very proud of my daughter in this moment. Because she turned to her daddy and apologized for not listening, and gave him a hug. And it wasn't the automated response that you expect out of a child. It was a heartfelt apology. Sometimes, you just have to be straight with your kids. They need to know. They DESERVE to know why things are the way they are. Monster S is far past capable of understanding how things work, and while I don't think it's ok to force money issues on your kids, I think she needed to understand why Husband is gone working all the time. That it's for HER. For all of us. Isn't it surprising how much our children understand?
That my friends was a Real Talk lesson in Respect, brought to you by the Monster and Me.

Mother's Day Cards for the Real World

Mother's Day Cards for the Real World

Sharing is caring after all. :)

And now, a shameless self advertisement.

I'm desperate to get to the double digits of followers. So I'm going to have to ask that my friends and family cater to my ego a bit, and become a follower! I've finally hit over 2000+ page views, and I am so stoked! Help this mamacita out, and click the follow button! If you have a smartphone (as most of the population is headed towards) you probably have a gmail! Use it, like it, follow it. :)

List it! Pissed Off 1.0

Normally if I want to pump out a really good blog post, my kids either have to do something extraordinarily funny or I have to be good and pissed off. Ok, that's a lie, I can pump out a post with less to work with. But, I prefer to be so passionate about what I'm writing that my fingers fly across the keyboard at the speed of a coffee addict on crack. Generally this follows the "I have to be good and pissed off" mood.

But, since here lately no one thing pisses me off more than another, I am doing a List it! Pissed Off 1.0. Perhaps this will be the first of many List It! posts, but for now I'm going to try not to tailspin too much into an angry tirade against humanity.
Now, for your reading pleasure, things that piss me off.

1) Passive aggressive comments that may or may not be directed at one specific person. As a rule of thumb, these comments are almost always found on Facebook: The Source of All Things Drama! I'm beginning to really despise Facebook, because seriously, if you are badass enough to make a P/A post/comment/whatever on my news thread, then you can say that shit to the face of who you want to say it to. Or, if this is strictly an interwebz kind of relationship, put in a freaking message. Don't leave your whole friends list wondering "Jinkies, is that about me??". It's nonsensical, and honestly once most people have determined that your new status update is NOT about them, they don't care and you look petty.

2) Kittens. Yeah. I said it. Kittens. In my house right now, this is the motherlode of things that piss me off. Why wasn't it Numero Uno on this list? Well, because FB is always more important. But this is a close, minuscule hair away from tying. Because my Cat-That-Was-A-Boy-But-Really-Is-A-Girl had kittens, and they lost their appeal Real Quick. I've had to barricade them in my bathroom so that they cannot escape, but now also, everyone in my family has to climb over the freaking obstacle course to get in. My bathroom stinks. "Well, now, it's a bathroom, of course it does!" NO. It stinks like cat feces. Like a freaking litter box. A litter box that was barely even used until the little rodents came along. So, friends, it is time to re-home them. Sure I'll be sad to see their cuddly little faces go, but....actually come to think of it, I'm ready to only have my outside cat again...So no, no sad face for me.

3) Lack of a schedule. I'm a planner. Always have been, always will be. Lately I've been having a kind of frantic, erratic lifestyle as my husband works two jobs and I'm adjusting to being able to leave my house while he's gone. This has led to some last minute "Hey let's go visit so-and-so down the lane" (not that anyone lives "down the lane" from us, as I'm not sure "lanes" even exist anymore) and to be honest, I almost miss the productivity of being stuck at home all the time. Ok, I don't, but I miss how clean my house was and how I stuck to my schedule so nicely.

4) People who don't take advice after they ask for it. Piece of un-requested advice, Don't ask me for advice then tell me you will do the opposite. That's pretty shitty, and to be honest it annoys me. I mean, it pisses me off, but it also annoys me. Because, not only does it make it feel like my opinions are completely irrelevant, but it also makes me want to scream "YOU AREN'T ASKING ADVICE, YOU WANT SOMEONE TO VENT TO" which is a perfectly justifiable reason to talk, hang, chat whatever. But a duck is a duck, don't try to disguise it as a goose.

5) Books that end badly. If at the end of a book, you have killed off all the best characters, screw you. If you leave unresolved plot lines, screw you. If the last chapter feels like a rushed attempt to tie up loose ends and also burn off any chance of a sequel, screw you. Basically, if you can't figure out how to properly end a book, screw you.

6) People who can't take a joke and/or have zero sense of humor EVER. I freaking love to laugh. Who doesn't? Well, obviously the people who have such a dry sense of humor that they cannot possibly find humor in any situation. Everything is offensive, everything is taboo. My (unsolicited) advice, lighten up or go away. That is all.

7) Nick Jr cartoons. I used to love them. But, recently I discovered that Disney Jr cartoons are way better, so now I get pissed off at Nick Jr. cartoons. Yeah, I know, crazy that a grown woman gets pissed about cartoons. What can I say? I take my kids' t.v. viewing time Very Seriously.

8) The fact that Netflix does not have Disney Jr. cartoons. I mean, really Netflix? Get with the program. I want to watch some Doc McStuffins if you don't mind.

9)Mosquitoes. They piss me off. Blood sucking little fiends make vampires look happy. (*Cue a bad Twilight reference*) Honestly though, there is not a single vulturous flying pest that loves me more than mosquitoes. So by the end of the summer, I look like I've suffered through 3 months of the chicken pox, my legs are scarred and scabbed, and I have consumed more Benadryl than should be legal. All I really want are mark-free tanned legs that glimmer in the sunlight. Is that too much to ask for?

10) Mornings. Mornings piss me off. They always come too early, they last too long, and really, why can't we market healthy breakfast foods that kids can serve themselves? My kids have way more energy than I do at 7:30 a.m. and I am not sure I can be trusted to make scrambled eggs or pancakes that early. At least not before coffee, which unfortunately does not brew fast enough for my impatient Monsters. So I'm going to need someone to get on that, because applesauce cups are not as fulfilling as a breakfast should be, and I'm just not ready to teach Monster S to use the stove. Maybe when she's about to turn 6, but certainly not now, at almost 5. That's just too young.


Alright friends, that's the first of many, Many, MANY things that piss me off (really I could write a novel, but that would eliminate the potential for another post.) I know it has been awhile since you've indulged in the wit and charm my crazy little life always brings, but stay tuned. Summer is coming, alongside the beginnings of t-ball, swimming, and a birthday or two. I feel like maybe just maybe inspiration is on the horizon.

Until next time!