So being pregnant leads to sheer curiosity about pregnancy in general, and I have in the past been a part of the social forums for Mommies-To-Be. However, it has become a cardinal rule of mine to no longer interact on these websites. I mentioned this in my post about secrets of motherhood the other day, and I tend to hold very true to it.
Mothers are cruel. No question about it. We as women are already inclined to judge (that's what we do men, get used to it) particularly when it comes to OTHER WOMEN. In fact some of my most horrendous moments as a human being have involved judging people. I won't confess what they are, cause that's senseless. I will, though, talk about the judgement that I read on one particular website, simply because it is entertaining. Very rarely do I do this. When I say very rarely, I mean VERY rarely. Why? Because it is just too tempting to want to post and scream and rant and rave at these women who clearly think they are entitled/better than other mothers.
Today's topic of interest was baby showers. As we all know I am pregnant for the third time, with my first boy. So here is where I find things to be touch and go. According to these goddesses of mothering, it is tacky to have another baby shower because I already have children, but in the same breath understandable because it's my first other gender baby. Cool. Got it. I understand the "Rule of Tacky" because in one sense I agree with it. In others though, I do not. My family has celebrated all of the babies born whether they were our first or not. It is FUN for crying out loud. There's nothing wrong with it, because we ALL enjoyed it. So for obvious reasons, when people have asked me if I am having a baby shower this time, I just say "Yes, more than likely" because it's been mentioned and what not. Yay. Love it. So much fun!
.So now I sit here and ponder these women who have so many rules to being a mother/becoming a mother/raising your children. What do they do that enables them to be so self righteous? What makes them better than the rest of us for refusing to allow anyone to throw them a second or third baby shower? It's not like they themselves are throwing a party for themselves. Because did I mention that's another cardinal sin for them? This one, I can understand. It's a rule that I wouldn't even break whether it was frowned upon or not. The rule of "Thou shall not host your own shower." Understandably, the reason behind this is that causes people to think that you have "grabby hands" and are not actually celebrating the soon to happen birth of your child, but instead seeking out for others to pay for the stuff that you want. THAT RULE I get. However, I am stuck on the entitlement issue they have. The mindset that they are right. Tell me, does mob mentality actually make you right? I think not. It is there though. Mob Mentality Mothering. I could write for days about MMM. It is such a touchy topic, with unlimited supply of examples and proof that it exists.
I'll start with a story all about it
Once upon a time, I was a first time mommy to be, seeking solace and comfort for all these things I didn't understand. So I sought out a forum for mothers, hoping to get advice and tips on what to expect in the coming future.
Instead, because I so naively was honest in my profile about my age, I was what is referred to as "Flamed". It is embarrassing to be flamed. It is tear inducing. Here I was, 18, married, pregnant with our beautiful daughter and so excited that I just wanted to know everything there was to know. I asked a question that I didn't know was stupid (and couldn't even tell you what it was, because that was 5 years ago), only to be replied to with a vengeance. Let me tell you about that moment so that you feel what I was feeling. I logged on to see that others had responded and eagerly clicked to see what these wise moms had to say. Here's what they shared with me: "You are only 18 and pregnant with your first child? So what you mean is you got married because you are white trash and too stupid not to get knocked up?" and "Of course you would ask a stupid question like that, you're still a baby yourself. How are you going to raise one?" (which of course was what I was already wondering, and now felt to the core of my being). On it went. I was in tears sobbing to my sister in law, who could only advise me to stay away from that website. Having told her what was going on she valiantly went on and defended me to complete strangers. The damage was done though. Once one person cruelly responded to my lifestyle and inexperience, the whole lot of them joined on in.
That was when I learned my first lesson about being a mother. Other mothers are mean. Put them together and you get Mob Mentality Mothering. You don't dare disagree for fear of being on the receiving end of that flaming stick. So there you sit, joining in on the Mob Mentality that "breast is best, SAHMoms are queens, if you are a working mom you must not love your child..." and so on.
This maybe explains my rule of reading only for entertainment, and never joining in. I'll never forget how it felt to be criticized and ridiculed simply because I was so young. I'll never tell a complete stranger what to do with their body, or their child. Obviously the urge to judge is impossible at times to restrain, but Lord help me if I ever inflict that upon another human being who genuinely may not realize that they are being ridiculous.
Now I feel I should at least mention that I never experienced that kind of torture again. I learned what to reveal, and what not to reveal. I should also mention that not EVERY single person was a cruel heartless wench. Some women were very kind to me, and defended me to the mob. Since then I tried to be one of them, only offering kind words of encouragement, even to the most ridiculous and stupid of questions. Sometimes, that's all you really need. One person to tell you that you are not crazy, and it's going to be OK.
Other than that, I recommend staying away from mommy forums. No on can make you feel worse about yourself unless you let them. And it is rather hard not to let them when they so strongly advise that you are doing it all wrong just because you aren't doing it the way they are.
No one could possibly be that good of a mother that they deserve to make all the rules.
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