Get it together....or don't.

It’s the end of the day and all I want to do is curl up with a book in bed and fall asleep without having made it very far into the chapter at all. But currently, at 8:45 pm I am instead sitting at my desk finishing work that I’ve put off far too long, listening to my daughter’s dog yapping at max volume outside, shouting at my two younger children to get in the shower, and trying to figure out how on earth I’m going to keep pushing through. I can’t remember if I ate anything for dinner. I am sure that I picked at the discarded bowls left unfinished by my tiny humans, but I am hungry and emotionally drained, and my brain won’t shut off.

I am so very tired.

I’ve read every tip and trick Pinterest has to offer on time management and organizational skills, things I once thought I had all figured out. I’ve tried every quick and easy dinner recipe for “the family on the go”, and let’s be honest, there are too many ingredients to try and remember. I’ve compared all the different brands of essential oils to find one that has the power to lift brain fog and provide peace and clarity. I’ve tried diets to boost metabolism and create a feeling of refresh instead of the constant state of sluggishness that I can’t seem to shake. I’ve even tried to find the perfect form of (free!) self-care that all the inspiration mom articles keep raving about.

It’s just not possible.

I am just plain and simple juggling too much. The balance of work and home is a never-ending act of spinning plates, with more plates getting added to the mix every day. Sports schedules, project deadlines (for the tiny humans and myself!), school assignments (again, for both!), church and family time. It’s. Just. Not. Possible. I’m scraping by on processed food (not Pinterest worthy bento box packed lunches), and coffee. Work is getting 40%, home is getting 40%, and everything else is just barely making the cut. And tonight, during a study with a group from church, I discovered that I am not alone. The pressures that society has put on mothers to present a perfect made face, looking adorable in a messy bun and yoga pants with a baby carrier strapped to their back while they go for a jog and drink a green smoothie is just not realistic. There is no such thing as the perfect Pinterest mother.  

We are in the trenches TOGETHER, rocking three-day hair and throwing Lunchables in our kids’ backpacks, as we stuff their completely full take home folder back in their bags without checking any of the work that was in it.

 We are muddling through the hardships of work TOGETHER, spilling coffee on our suit blouses in car-rider line while trying to hotspot an internet connection to finalize a quote so our boss doesn’t realize that we are “mom-ing” while working.

We are cooking a healthy dinner one night and ordering Chinese take-out the next because it’s too exhausting to think about cleaning the dishes from the night before.

We are showing up on Sunday mornings to church in our best clothes with a smile on our faces, pretending that we didn’t just fight with our husbands in the car ride there, and we are ALL doing it.  

I've decided I don't care if society knows that I'm basically failing as a wife, mother, manager, and student. It is what it is. I can only do what I can do, and so can you.

The next chapter.

It is so hard to believe that two years ago I was pregnant. Two years ago, my little Monster Man was just a teeny tiny little parasite that was yet to be determined as the little boy who toddles around this house every day. Two years of being at home with my babies has been exhausting, endearing, stressful, and relaxing all at the same time. It's so hard to believe that they have grown so much, that I have grown so much. Here I am now, two years later, facing the very real and soon arriving possibility of going back to work. I can hardly believe it. I've spent two years totally and completely with my children. In fact, Monster Man has never spent an entire day away from me, ever. Not that this will change because I go back to work, but let's be honest, any time away when you're used to the constant presence of a child is pretty intimidating.
I remember the last time I went back to work. Monster L was less than a year old. I missed her first steps on my second night of work. When Husband told me, I cried like a baby and then sat in the bathroom trying to not to let anyone see the effect it had on me. I also ended up leaking through my work shirts three or four times in the first weeks on the job, because I was still nursing Monster L at the time, and my body was also in full on desperation mode.
This time is different though. I don't have a baby anymore, I have a toddler. I have a kindergartner. A preschooler.  My babies are much bigger, much older, than the last time I ventured out into the real world. To be honest, I'm terrified. I'm going to have to wear real clothes. Not yoga pants and t-shirts. Like, pants. With a zipper and a button. Every day. I'm still processing that part. I'm not quite ready to give up my yoga pants for real clothing. Even if it's just a work uniform.
I don't even know yet where I'll be working. I just know that there are a couple attainable possibilities that I might be able to choose from. Talk about scary. One is familiar, and one very much isn't. It's pretty scary.
I will have to interact with people. Every day. I don't remember how to interact with people. I don't even how to be around people for long periods of time. I've been nothing short of a hermit for two years. I stay at home, I hang out with my kids. I talk to my husband, and my sister in laws. That's about it. What kinds of things do normal adults talk about? What goes on in their lives? I should research this a bit, so I don't seem as naive as I actually am to what goes on in the world.
I should clean the house too. I won't have as much time to do that if I go back to work. I should be prepared. Dear me, I should probably buy make up. I haven't really put makeup on much for two years, unless you count the makeovers that my daughters give me. Which, I don't. Although at this point they are probably better at applying makeup than I am. Cause, you know, they've had all that practice.
I know that there are mothers everywhere that go back to work. They are happier, healthier, and probably a little more stable because of it. I'm not so sure if I will be. Anxiety has reared its ugly head, mixed with a nice dose of self doubt, and a little bit of self loathing. The only thing I'm good at anymore is being a mom. Even that has it's bad days. I mean, ask me about food allergies, and I know quite a bit. Changing diapers? Hell yeah I can do that. Multiple french braids on a squirming child's head. Mastered it. Laundry? Almost. Doing the dishes, oh yeah, I load that dishwasher like a beast. I can kiss booboos, apply bandaids, brush hair, pick out matching outfits in a sea of chaos. I can cook a dinner for 8 with children running around my kitchen and sometimes even hanging off of me. I can clean the tiny cracks of those inane sippy cups until I'm blue in the face. These things I can do. These things I have mastered. But that's pretty much where it ends as far as being a productive member of society. I'm not really a part of society, because I rarely even leave home.
How can I possibly juggle it all?
Fingers crossed friends. Because it's happening whether I can crush the anxiety or not. I can't keep myself locked away at home forever. Pray for me. I'm going to need it.

New Years.

Welcome to 2014. A new year, and that's about it. Let's just be honest. A new year does not actually bring much change. What is so special about January? Nothing really changes except the date. Our children are still in school, in the same grade they were in a month ago. They have the same class, the same friends, the same routine. As adults, we still get up and do our jobs every day at the same pace, and on the same schedule. As a stay at home mom, I am still going to wake up every morning at 7:30 and change Monster man's first poopy diaper of the day. Cause that boy is on a schedule, and it's not changing just because the year ends with a 4 instead of a 3.

That being said, I like the idea of New Year's resolutions, and I really believe that if you put your mind to it, you can make better choices and better habits. So here's a few things I'd like to change this year, even though I know it probably won't stick.

1. Wake up happier. Granted, I wake up every morning to a poopy diaper and that's not fun at all. But I can wake up and be happy that I have a whole 4 to 5 hours before I have to change ANOTHER poopy diaper. And that's pretty sweet.

2. Yell less. I spend a lot of time trying to be heard over the chaos of my zoo. But I want to yell less, and whisper more. My dad has a theory that children listen better when you whisper because they have to be quiet to hear what you're saying. Time to start testing that theory out a little more often.

3. Drink Less Coffee. I know, it's blasphemous. But I should really be drinking water or something, instead of having coffee for breakfast and lunch. I should be eating real food too. Ah well. One goal at a time.

4. Play on the floor. This year for Christmas Monster Man got three huge bags of Megabloks. And the kids love building castles. They also got Play-doh. So far Husband and I have been doing really good at just sitting down and playing with them. Yesterday started with the entire family (except Monster Man, he's too little) having a play-doh molding contest. Monster S won by far. Also, uh, does anyone know where I can find a really big pack of Nerf darts? We've had so many Nerf wars this past week, that's we've already lost half of our darts. Which I'm totally ok with.

5. Read more. Not just for myself, but also with the girls. They love being read to, and now Monster S is sounding out her words and starting to read on her own. Now is the time to develop their love of books.

If you'll notice my resolutions are not typical. I'm not trying to lose weight, or sculpt my abs into a six pack, or even have a perfectly clean house. I'm more realistic with my personal goals. Those work for some people, but they certainly wouldn't work for me. Let's hope I can stick with the goals I have!

Hahahahaha, What was I thinking??

So I thought it would be nice to look at the list I made of things to do in 2013. Um, yeah. Nope, most of those things are NOT happening. Let's take a look at that list. Now let's dissect that list.
Savings. Yup, too much stuff popped up unexpectedly and that did not happen.
Massage. Yeah right.
5 things with sewing machine. That one still has potential. However there isn't really a spot that's effective for using my sewing machine so who knows.
Lost 35 lbs. Hmmm, Yeah, I don't even know if I'm remotely close to that and I don't remember what I started at.
Teach L. That one also still has potential.
Tattoo in honor of kids. Nope, not happening. Was supposed to happen, but then didn't.
Movies in theaters. Yeah right. I'd have to have a babysitter for that.
Water? Uh, I don't even remember what water tastes like.
ONE caffeinated beverage? Try three or four. Coffee is my friend.
Go somewhere we've never been. Again, yeah right. We'd need a babysitter.
5 Photo Jobs? I would have to have friends who wants pictures for that to happen.
3 photo shoots of my children. Now that S is in school that's next to impossible.
Paint the kids' room? No. Monster S does that for me with her markers.
$500 of my own income? Doing what? Standing on the corner? Yeah right.

So I have realized that I had some very unrealistic goals on my list. Most of which were probably put on that list because of whatever we had going on in our life at the time. And since most of whatever we had going is probably not happening anymore, or has been resolved, I think it's safe to say that this list is null and void. I mean, what exactly WAS I thinking when I wrote this bull?

Time to start a list for next year. Maybe I'll have the common sense to realize that I need more rational and probable goals.

Looking back on Today.

Do I already have a post with this title? I suppose anything is possible, but I'm pretty confident that this post is not the same as the other. This post is a List It! The best moments of my life so far. Keep in mind that at this point in my life, I am a 24yr old wife and mother of three. You'd think my list wouldn't be that amazing, but to me it is. So here it is friends, the most awesome moments of my life, in no particular order.

1) October 27th, 2007. I became a wife. Apparently, I almost rubbed the skin right off of Husband's hand  because I was holding his hand so tight during out vows. If I remember correctly, I was also suffering from some pretty crazy off and on nausea. Whether that was from being 1.5months pregnant or from "becoming a wife" I have no recollection. But I do recall that it was a good day. Most distinct memory: We danced. Danced and danced at our reception. My hair was long, my dress was beautiful, and Husband handsome. Looking back we were so young, and had no idea what was coming.

2) June 6th, 2008. I became a mother. In a half empty hospital with all our family waiting outside I gave birth to a 7lb beautiful baby girl. She is my number 1 girl, mini me, and sassy sidekick.

3) December 6th, 2009. I became superwoman. Beautiful baby girl number 2 was born, just 18mon after her sister, introducing me to the REAL meaning of no sleep.  Hard to believe that this bundle of adorable, chilled out, crazy girl is mine. One grin melts me, and in the very next minute gets her out of trouble.

4) After a rough patch in our marriage, Husband and I went from practically separated to exploding back together. Most awesome moment of it all? Quitting my job to stay home again, re-learning how to be a wife, and the knowledge that we can overcome Any. Thing. Thrown. At. Us.

5)October 26th, 2012. After an amazing all natural delivery, I became a mother to a son. A beautiful, chubby, problematic, mama's boy. Mine all mine, and looks just like his Daddy. Absolutely perfect.

6) Each time my children learned to say Mama. Three equivalent moments that broke my heart in half and put it back together simultaneously.

7) Becoming the owner of a minivan. Be jealous, suckers. This bad boy seats 7, and has room for days.

8)My blog made it to the first page on Google search results under the search tag "Crazy little thing called life blog"

9) The day Monster L made the "k" "kah" sound for the first time. It was like hearing her say a word for the first time, and I cried. She's so amazing.

10) When Husband and I got married, his oldest nephew and niece just called me Kerry. The first time they called me "Aunt Kerry" was one of the coolest moments of my life. I had never had a "title" before, I was never anything more than Kerry. Becoming "Aunt Kerry" gave my life a meaning it hadn't previously had. Almost as cool as being a mother.

11) Being pregnant at the same time as my sister in law, and all time best friend. The birth of my nephew, Michael was one of the most special births to me, other than my own. We're connected him and I.

12) My second mission trip to Poland, when I was blessed with the priviledge of helping teach at a vacation bible school. Not many teenagers can say they've done that.

13) Learning to play Rummy. Has since been the cause of many fun nights with amazing friends.

There you have it friends, some of my most awesome moments to date. With a lifetime of moments left to happen, I'm sure this list will change and grow. Stay tuned for more to come.

I am a mother.

Friends, I am having a bit of a moment, so bear with me. My mind is blown at the level of stupidity that exists in some people. The level of daring. The level of cocky self absorption. I do not understand how some people exist without realizing that they are doing something very dumb and very dangerous. 

Could you imagine someone telling you, "Hey, I think I'm going to walk in front of that oncoming bus, see if it hits me, and see if I get hurt as a result?" Your first response would (or rather SHOULD) be, "Why would you do something SO stupid? Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind?"

The answer would probably be that they have. Because only an entirely insane person would think it rational to do something so illogical. They'd have to be crazy. They'd have to be a little brave. They would have to be a little cocky.

Such people do exist friends. No, no, I've never had anybody tell me they are going to walk out in front of an oncoming bus. That's just ludicrous. However, I have encountered a situation where someone thinks that they can poke a mama bear's cub, and expect to not get hurt. Someone(s) who think that a mother, or a father, could not cause some significant damage if and when their child is threatened. Or hurt. Or slandered. Or rejected. Or even just plain and simple, not acknowledged. I dare you friends, to find one parent out there who would not go to hell and back for their child should any such situation occur with them. Even if it was from people who are supposed to be family. 

This is not a lighthearted blog post. A witty adventure into the world of parenting. This is a hard core legitimate warning. To those of you who are not parents and have never encountered such a situation, be wary of anything that could put you in the precarious situation of facing a mama or papa bear. Be wary of your words about a parent's child. Be wary of your actions towards a baby who is protected by love. Becaused if you screw with my child, you screw with a much more dangerous entity, and that is me. 

LET ME catch you saying something about my child. LET ME come head to head with you, and the way you are acting. 

Because I do not care how big and badass you think you are. 

I will win. 

Because I am a mother.

App addiction!

Ok friends. We're trying something new today. A.k.a the Blogger app. Now I've never used the Blogger app, or, well any apps for that matter. But today I decided to download two new ones(no, I did not Install candy crush.) One being the Blogger and the second is a camera app.
It. Is. Amazeballs. The camera app that is. I'll let you know how this one goes. I will be the first to admit (I'm actually ashamed to do so) that I like it best for its filter features that hide all those pesky things called imperfections.  Now, my heart will always belong to my D-SLR but since I don't have the upper arm strength to hold that bad boy up for a selfie, this will have to do. And yes, I did just say "selfie". What can I say? I am a pop culture follower just like the rest of you.
I'm also startr to feel more confident "post-baby" so I have no problem.sharing these pictures with you. Hell, they make me look way prettier than I actually am AND I can pretend this post is an advertising scheme for the app, while showing off my big baby blues. And yes, my eyes are that pretty. I'm not cocky per say, they are just the only part of me I truly love.
Guess I should tell you the name of the app huh? It's called Cymera, for those of you who will become devoted to it's delightful-ness.

P.s. the Blogger app is pretty good. 

The Evolution of the Thoughts in My Brain

So I was on the phone with my sister in law (aka the only friend I actually have and talk to every day), and I kept saying over and over, "B, I just can't take it. I can't take my children crying for one more second or I might physically pull every last strand of my own hair out. JUST so I can do something fun!" and she was right there with me. Except, her kids were already off to school so in reality, what she couldn't take was listening to her dog whine. Hey, same thing right? Kids, dogs, they both have to be trained, and most of the time neither one actually shuts up. So here we were both ready to inflict torture upon ourselves just so we knew we hadn't died of bleeding ears, and I thought to myself, "I could make a blog post out of this." If you saw my previous post, you might have also seen my idea list. A few that were birthed out of the lustful desire for peace and quiet were as follows:

What to do When Your Child Won't Stop Throwing Fits- Now as much as I would love to write all about this, that post would be more along the lines of "Hey if anyone knows how the hell to shut my kids up, let me know!". So I decided now Might Not be the time for that particular post. I'd rather it be a little more verbose.

If I Had Free Time-Let's face it, I can sum this one up in one word. Sleep. Because I have demon children. Monsters who really do belong to Husband and I, because 1)They hardly sleep (Husband's trait) and 2) When they are awake they won't shut up (Mine). So if I could do just one thing with my free time, it would be sleep. If you put a gun to my head and said I had to make a whole list, it would turn into another blog post, and you can find it HERE.

How to Tell You Need a Break- This one sounds like it's going to involve listing off qualities of just about every parent in the world. That might take awhile. Or maybe not. We'll see if I ever get a break to actually sit down and write it out.

How to Keep a Bitch-fest From Going Wrong- Now see, at first this one started off with "Maybe I shouldn't be complaining so much about how my kids aren't listening" because then it might start to sound like I don't like my job of mothering my lovely little angels. But then, I saw this post going a different way. Because while Bitch-fests usually start off with one subject, they always lead to dangerous territory-Husbands (or significant others, for those of you still in the dating or not married stages).  Now THAT is a post I am going to write, because nothing grates my cheese more than Husband/SO Bashing. This could be because the man I married is damn near perfect, or it could just be because I hate disrespectful women. What's worse is that other women encourage it or instigate it. Which led me to:

10 Things Not to Say About a Friend's Significant Other

                                   AND

Why Women Don't Make Good Friends.

I don't think I really need to elaborate more on these right now, or I'll ruin the juicy anticipation of posts to come. 

So you see how my brain works? I start off thinking about posts about my children, and then I'm thinking about why women sucks sometimes, and then I'm thinking about my perfect husband, and then I'm thinking "Screw this, I'm gonna go call my man instead of writing all this crazy stuff."

If I Had Free Time- A List.

If I had free time (let's face it I'm a mother, so this is something I usually only dream about) I would mostly just want to sleep. I never feel like I get enough and I usually want more than what I get. But I realized that sleep couldn't consume every moment of free time (if I had any) because there are a lot of things I would do if I didn't have my children with me all the time.

1)Get a manicure. Ok, this is cliche I know. However, I cannot even remember the last time I had my nails done, and they actually stayed pretty for more than 30 minutes. So I would like, just once, to get a manicure that lasts. Does such a thing exist? Probably not, but a girl can dream.

2) Read a book, WITHOUT being interrupted. Two nights ago I started reading a book that I bought recently, and I was ready to read. I wanted to finish a good book full through because I hadn't done that in awhile. So after then kids went to bed, and Husband was winding down doing whatever it is he does to relax (YouTube, Xbox, whatever), I picked up my book and started to read. Now, I was only reading for about ten minutes before I fell asleep so obviously sleep was more necessary. But the next day, I just wanted to keep reading. Without hearing "Maaaaaaaaama, come wipe my buuu-uuuuutt" and "I hungwee, and I tersty". Without having to put it down to feed a baby. Without re-reading the same paragraph five freaking times before I actually knew what it said. One day. Maybe when all my kids are in school full time.

3) Eat a whole meal. Not reheated leftovers, not rolled up sandwich meat, not scraps off my kids' plates. I would eat a three course (salad, dinner, dessert) meal without being interrupted, or having to refill someone else's plate. Without having to get up and grab a towel because someone spilled milk/juice/water across the table and my food. And I would eat steak. Or ribs. Or something that is not chicken nuggets, or pizza, or mac'n'cheese. 

4) Catch up on all the laundry. Now, I am not sure if this counts as a "free time" activity, but I would love to be able to go to a laundry mat and just get all my laundry done, with no kids to mess up my folded piles, or pull shirts off of hangers, or to insist that they have to "help" mommy. Really. Laundry sounds soothing when there's no kids involved.

5) Take a two hour long bubble bath. Really. A bubble bath without little knocks on the doors, and "I have to go potty"s sounds awesome. Maybe I can try that when I actually get to finish a book full through. 

6) Listen to MY music. I have a thing about my music. I don't mind the unedited songs, as long as my kids aren't around. And I might have to admit to you that I love the song "Porn Star Dancing" but again, it's not really child friendly. I want to be able to drive around in Husband's car blasting all my favorite adult only songs, jamming and singing at the top of my lungs. It's a secret pleasure of mine, and I never get to indulge in it. I can't very well have my kids singing "Animals" by Nickelback, even if they don't know what it means. 

7) Watch t.v. For the love of all thing holy, I want to watch a movie without hitting pause. I don't think I really need to elaborate on that one.

8) Go shopping. Have you ever gone shopping with 3 kids, 5 and under by yourself in a department store? It doesn't freaking work. Let me just tell you right now, it is not worth it, it will never be worth it, and you can't make me do it. Which means I miss out on a lot of leisurely shopping. Give me a day, a couple hundred dollars, and no kids, and I bet I'd come home a whole new woman. (No really, I'd probably come home looking different so that the kids wouldn't recognize me...)

9) Have a date with my hubby. I mean really. I cannot remember the last time I was by myself with Husband. Because even if we don't have the girls, we surely have the boy. Never fails. Actually, it doesn't seem like there is much of an end in sight with that one. Le sigh.

10) Catch up on my gossip. I would read trashy magazines, talk to my mommy friends, find out the latest about what is going on in the world around me. Because I haven't done that in who knows how long. I need a bitch fest.

And this concludes the list of what I would do if I had free time. Which I don't, so really, this is a list of my top ten time wasting fantasies.

Why I suck at blogging.

Friends, I must admit to you that I have been lying to you. I am never going to keep up with this blog the way that I want to, no matter how many times I tell you "I'm back, this time for real!". It's just not accurate anymore. Because no matter how hard I try, every time I sit at this desk and think "This is it, now I'm feeling it.", something interrupts me (*cough* my obnoxious children *cough*) or I get distracted by something that needs to be cleaned (i.e. the fingerprint smudges on the window in front of me, Dear God when did I last wipe that thing down???) or I sit and stare at my screen trying to think of something witty and clever to write, and instead it ends up being a freaking novel about everything going on in my life. Which, is, after all, pretty awesome because Hello, it's my life. But there are only so many times I can begin my dive back into writing with updates about what my Monsters are doing these days. Let's face it, real talk, I cannot focus on anything other than what my kids are doing 24/7. 

The list that shall never be.

Which has led me to a fairly depressing realization. I do not exist outside of my children, outside of my motherly duties. I don't remember if I am actually a productive member of society, or if I'm just faking it so you'll think there's something deeper and more meaningful about me than the stain on my shirt caused by the baby throwing his spoon at me. I'm here to tell you, there isn't much else to me. I cook (sometimes), I clean (or try to), and I haul my children around from activity to activity (read, drag them with me while I run errands). 

I made of list of ideas for blog posts. What can I write about that is inspiring and thought provoking? Here's my list:

Doesn't it look great? It looks like I was on a roll with ideas and everything. Well, here's the reality of it. That list is going to sit there, and probably never turn into anything. You know what my problem is? I want to write all of these posts right this second and then publish them all for you to read right now. But then what will I do next week when I'm staring out my grubby window, watching a squirrel jumping around my yard instead of writing?

Perhaps I'll be able to resist the temptation of multiple post publishing, and I can do it in intervals. But then I'd still feel like a liar, because you might think I'm devoting more time to this than I am. Or that I've somehow got my groove back, when in reality I just don't feel like cleaning today and I'm procrastinating by writing. 

We shall see friends. Be on the look out, maybe I might have some follow through today. Be warned though, if my writing is anything like my parenting, I suck at follow through. Ask my 3 year old who is watching yet another Elmo movie, because Mommy didn't want to listen to her throw a fit after I said no 5 times.