The next chapter.

It is so hard to believe that two years ago I was pregnant. Two years ago, my little Monster Man was just a teeny tiny little parasite that was yet to be determined as the little boy who toddles around this house every day. Two years of being at home with my babies has been exhausting, endearing, stressful, and relaxing all at the same time. It's so hard to believe that they have grown so much, that I have grown so much. Here I am now, two years later, facing the very real and soon arriving possibility of going back to work. I can hardly believe it. I've spent two years totally and completely with my children. In fact, Monster Man has never spent an entire day away from me, ever. Not that this will change because I go back to work, but let's be honest, any time away when you're used to the constant presence of a child is pretty intimidating.
I remember the last time I went back to work. Monster L was less than a year old. I missed her first steps on my second night of work. When Husband told me, I cried like a baby and then sat in the bathroom trying to not to let anyone see the effect it had on me. I also ended up leaking through my work shirts three or four times in the first weeks on the job, because I was still nursing Monster L at the time, and my body was also in full on desperation mode.
This time is different though. I don't have a baby anymore, I have a toddler. I have a kindergartner. A preschooler.  My babies are much bigger, much older, than the last time I ventured out into the real world. To be honest, I'm terrified. I'm going to have to wear real clothes. Not yoga pants and t-shirts. Like, pants. With a zipper and a button. Every day. I'm still processing that part. I'm not quite ready to give up my yoga pants for real clothing. Even if it's just a work uniform.
I don't even know yet where I'll be working. I just know that there are a couple attainable possibilities that I might be able to choose from. Talk about scary. One is familiar, and one very much isn't. It's pretty scary.
I will have to interact with people. Every day. I don't remember how to interact with people. I don't even how to be around people for long periods of time. I've been nothing short of a hermit for two years. I stay at home, I hang out with my kids. I talk to my husband, and my sister in laws. That's about it. What kinds of things do normal adults talk about? What goes on in their lives? I should research this a bit, so I don't seem as naive as I actually am to what goes on in the world.
I should clean the house too. I won't have as much time to do that if I go back to work. I should be prepared. Dear me, I should probably buy make up. I haven't really put makeup on much for two years, unless you count the makeovers that my daughters give me. Which, I don't. Although at this point they are probably better at applying makeup than I am. Cause, you know, they've had all that practice.
I know that there are mothers everywhere that go back to work. They are happier, healthier, and probably a little more stable because of it. I'm not so sure if I will be. Anxiety has reared its ugly head, mixed with a nice dose of self doubt, and a little bit of self loathing. The only thing I'm good at anymore is being a mom. Even that has it's bad days. I mean, ask me about food allergies, and I know quite a bit. Changing diapers? Hell yeah I can do that. Multiple french braids on a squirming child's head. Mastered it. Laundry? Almost. Doing the dishes, oh yeah, I load that dishwasher like a beast. I can kiss booboos, apply bandaids, brush hair, pick out matching outfits in a sea of chaos. I can cook a dinner for 8 with children running around my kitchen and sometimes even hanging off of me. I can clean the tiny cracks of those inane sippy cups until I'm blue in the face. These things I can do. These things I have mastered. But that's pretty much where it ends as far as being a productive member of society. I'm not really a part of society, because I rarely even leave home.
How can I possibly juggle it all?
Fingers crossed friends. Because it's happening whether I can crush the anxiety or not. I can't keep myself locked away at home forever. Pray for me. I'm going to need it.