The next chapter.

It is so hard to believe that two years ago I was pregnant. Two years ago, my little Monster Man was just a teeny tiny little parasite that was yet to be determined as the little boy who toddles around this house every day. Two years of being at home with my babies has been exhausting, endearing, stressful, and relaxing all at the same time. It's so hard to believe that they have grown so much, that I have grown so much. Here I am now, two years later, facing the very real and soon arriving possibility of going back to work. I can hardly believe it. I've spent two years totally and completely with my children. In fact, Monster Man has never spent an entire day away from me, ever. Not that this will change because I go back to work, but let's be honest, any time away when you're used to the constant presence of a child is pretty intimidating.
I remember the last time I went back to work. Monster L was less than a year old. I missed her first steps on my second night of work. When Husband told me, I cried like a baby and then sat in the bathroom trying to not to let anyone see the effect it had on me. I also ended up leaking through my work shirts three or four times in the first weeks on the job, because I was still nursing Monster L at the time, and my body was also in full on desperation mode.
This time is different though. I don't have a baby anymore, I have a toddler. I have a kindergartner. A preschooler.  My babies are much bigger, much older, than the last time I ventured out into the real world. To be honest, I'm terrified. I'm going to have to wear real clothes. Not yoga pants and t-shirts. Like, pants. With a zipper and a button. Every day. I'm still processing that part. I'm not quite ready to give up my yoga pants for real clothing. Even if it's just a work uniform.
I don't even know yet where I'll be working. I just know that there are a couple attainable possibilities that I might be able to choose from. Talk about scary. One is familiar, and one very much isn't. It's pretty scary.
I will have to interact with people. Every day. I don't remember how to interact with people. I don't even how to be around people for long periods of time. I've been nothing short of a hermit for two years. I stay at home, I hang out with my kids. I talk to my husband, and my sister in laws. That's about it. What kinds of things do normal adults talk about? What goes on in their lives? I should research this a bit, so I don't seem as naive as I actually am to what goes on in the world.
I should clean the house too. I won't have as much time to do that if I go back to work. I should be prepared. Dear me, I should probably buy make up. I haven't really put makeup on much for two years, unless you count the makeovers that my daughters give me. Which, I don't. Although at this point they are probably better at applying makeup than I am. Cause, you know, they've had all that practice.
I know that there are mothers everywhere that go back to work. They are happier, healthier, and probably a little more stable because of it. I'm not so sure if I will be. Anxiety has reared its ugly head, mixed with a nice dose of self doubt, and a little bit of self loathing. The only thing I'm good at anymore is being a mom. Even that has it's bad days. I mean, ask me about food allergies, and I know quite a bit. Changing diapers? Hell yeah I can do that. Multiple french braids on a squirming child's head. Mastered it. Laundry? Almost. Doing the dishes, oh yeah, I load that dishwasher like a beast. I can kiss booboos, apply bandaids, brush hair, pick out matching outfits in a sea of chaos. I can cook a dinner for 8 with children running around my kitchen and sometimes even hanging off of me. I can clean the tiny cracks of those inane sippy cups until I'm blue in the face. These things I can do. These things I have mastered. But that's pretty much where it ends as far as being a productive member of society. I'm not really a part of society, because I rarely even leave home.
How can I possibly juggle it all?
Fingers crossed friends. Because it's happening whether I can crush the anxiety or not. I can't keep myself locked away at home forever. Pray for me. I'm going to need it.

New Years.

Welcome to 2014. A new year, and that's about it. Let's just be honest. A new year does not actually bring much change. What is so special about January? Nothing really changes except the date. Our children are still in school, in the same grade they were in a month ago. They have the same class, the same friends, the same routine. As adults, we still get up and do our jobs every day at the same pace, and on the same schedule. As a stay at home mom, I am still going to wake up every morning at 7:30 and change Monster man's first poopy diaper of the day. Cause that boy is on a schedule, and it's not changing just because the year ends with a 4 instead of a 3.

That being said, I like the idea of New Year's resolutions, and I really believe that if you put your mind to it, you can make better choices and better habits. So here's a few things I'd like to change this year, even though I know it probably won't stick.

1. Wake up happier. Granted, I wake up every morning to a poopy diaper and that's not fun at all. But I can wake up and be happy that I have a whole 4 to 5 hours before I have to change ANOTHER poopy diaper. And that's pretty sweet.

2. Yell less. I spend a lot of time trying to be heard over the chaos of my zoo. But I want to yell less, and whisper more. My dad has a theory that children listen better when you whisper because they have to be quiet to hear what you're saying. Time to start testing that theory out a little more often.

3. Drink Less Coffee. I know, it's blasphemous. But I should really be drinking water or something, instead of having coffee for breakfast and lunch. I should be eating real food too. Ah well. One goal at a time.

4. Play on the floor. This year for Christmas Monster Man got three huge bags of Megabloks. And the kids love building castles. They also got Play-doh. So far Husband and I have been doing really good at just sitting down and playing with them. Yesterday started with the entire family (except Monster Man, he's too little) having a play-doh molding contest. Monster S won by far. Also, uh, does anyone know where I can find a really big pack of Nerf darts? We've had so many Nerf wars this past week, that's we've already lost half of our darts. Which I'm totally ok with.

5. Read more. Not just for myself, but also with the girls. They love being read to, and now Monster S is sounding out her words and starting to read on her own. Now is the time to develop their love of books.

If you'll notice my resolutions are not typical. I'm not trying to lose weight, or sculpt my abs into a six pack, or even have a perfectly clean house. I'm more realistic with my personal goals. Those work for some people, but they certainly wouldn't work for me. Let's hope I can stick with the goals I have!